Gee Gee...there no more

i'm writing...again

2011-05-21T05:00:00.001-07:00

geenamarie.wordpress.com

Sum of a Man...

2010-08-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

Naturally when I'm single I daydream of lovers past and MAN! I've loved some beautiful men in my life, and I miss a little part of each of them.
I'm thinking right now...wouldn't it be nice to have them all in one man RIGHT NOW!!
Let's seee...
there was my protector, the writer..man his words would flow like liquid. Instant panty dropper! Not only that he was such a great spiritural advisor and counselor to me, I would cry on his shoulders for hours and he'd always have a solution. and when our time was up he fought for me over and over again. Sweet Temptation should be his nickname because our lovemaking was the best ever..so magnetic and everytime was a good time..orgasms after orgasms for days and nights at a time over and over again. we didn't have any reservations at all and we tried everything. (almost)
I don't think any other man would say I was as a great a lover as I was with him. He was a Sag..he was great with money and I was his student!

then there was the sweet as honey one. He was also my twin, my mirror..i saw the good and bad in me, in him. We had a lot of fun together. Damn he smelled good!
he was always with the "hey sweetie, hey baby" which I loved because I never had that before...The thing I love about him was that he was just so NICE..too nice almost. But at the time I need that we had similar personalities so we GOT each other. I needed affection and love and he gave me that.
he was so even keel and hardly even raised his voice. We didn't argue much and he didnt' start fights.. He didn't show his emotions at all really. But I miss that I could snuggle against him and feel so relaxed and warm in my heart..a truly great love.

oh there was the young clever one, from my home town, my crush, that showed me how great it feels to please someone...our fling didn't last long and we didn't see each other often but when we did I felt like I pleased him and left him satisfied. It pleased me to be around him and show him just how much I wanted him. He was the biggest flirt and I always felt wanted. I wasn't unselfish with him at all. Always the giver. He was a great writer also and I loved reading his words. He was also a music lover like me. Now that I think about it we did have a lot in common. It didn't go beyond a friends/fling/crush tho ..wasn't meant to be anything more than that. *sigh*

Then there was the virgo, my husband and best friend, a great father but ended up as a horrible husband in the end. However, we were great business partners and he had great ambition and drive. We started so many businesses and wrote so many plans for the future. We could dream up anything and make it happen. He is always hustling in his career and I still admire him that about him. I can never call him lazy thats for sure.

I often think of the guy that was such a great dancer that I would walk away from him trembling. I often think of the guy that was so spontaneous we'd just jump up and go. I didn't have to worry about anything he'd take care of all the details. I think of the guy that loved to travel and we had many adventures together. I sometimes think of the body builder that had the best body was the most healthiest of them all. We had great workouts together.
All come and gone...but they've all made me realize sometimes I truly want and never knew I wanted them.

I want a great lover, full of wisdom, thats healthy, that has a way with words, is ambitious, smart, loving, kind, tall, dark and handsome, is a go getter, a great lover ( did I say that), creative, loves music, is patient with us, has faith in us, protects me at all times and loves me for me..quirks and all...I am a gemini so there are many quirks! and I want all of this to come naturally!

I want the sum of all the men that have touched a little part of my life and captured a space in my heart.

Is that too much to ask??

slowly, surely...

2010-06-16T06:24:00.000-07:00

If he never lifts his hands to meet my touch
If he never stretches his arm to meet my hugs
If he never leans in to meet my kiss
If his outsides never meet my insides

does he ever really feel me?

"i just don't know, where i should go, so, slowly, surely, I walk away from love"

Mal(e) Nutrition...

2010-06-06T05:52:00.001-07:00

He keeps me waiting...
on his call,
on his words,
on his smile,
on his kiss...on my lips
He keeps me wanting....
his touch
his tongue
his arms
his hands...on my hips

my insides (and outsides)
are in a constant state
of not having enough
longing, always hungry
my heart wants to be full
overflowing
and running over, satisfied

"I wanna be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees"

Peeling the Bandaid...

2010-05-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm finding that letting go is actually a science and takes months, sometimes years of practice (and patience).

You can either do it quickly without ever looking back like I did successfully when my marriage ended a few years ago or you can do it slowly and painfully like a rollercoaster ride going thru ups and downs, jerks and turns, highs and lows until finally the bandaid just falls off unexpectedly because of the dirt, pain, sweat and tears. Suddenly it just lifts off and you realize you've finally let go.

Breathe. Its sad but it will be okay but you first have to go through a series of feelings and emotions before you can appreciate the experience.

Stage 1: First you feel like WHEW! I've made a decision! Its been a long time coming. I must put an end to this!! You feel a since of relief like a weight has been lifted. You feel like your life will be 10x better once this chapter in your book is closed. You are better off!! You will now grow and make some moves and be great!!

Stage 2: After a few weeks after the connection has been broken you start to miss the very thing you tried to separate yourself from. You try filling the void with everything you know how. Nothing seems to work!
You start to second guess your decision thinking you've made a mistake.
You may even revisit those feelings again and try to ignite them again. You go back and forth "should I", "Maybe not"? The situation quickly turns STICKY! Just like a bandaid, you take it off to see if its healed, then you put it back on to see if its gone away, then you pick at it seeing if you feel anything, then you close it back up.

Stage 3: It starts to hurt. You may even cry over your lost. The medicine has worn off. You keep trying to remind yourself the reasons you wanted to move on in the first place. Aren't you happier now?? This is the most crucial stage. You have to fight through this. This is the crucial time when infection may occur like guilt and resentment because you couldn't make it last.

Stage 4: You start to look for a temporary fix. You can't stand the pain anymore so you go back into the fire. It could give you that false sense of security that everything is gonna be alright. It could even be magical. But in reality it may just be a long drawn out goodbye kiss. Is it worth it??

Stage 5: The time and space in which you connect (kiss goodbye) get farther apart and more infrequent. And time away is the only thing that lifts the bandaid. You have to actually leave it alone. Do not revisit it, do not scratch it and then finally it pulls away and you realized you've finally moved on and let go.

You still may have a scar but thats just a reminder of what once was. Smile when you see it....no tears.

get me bodied....

2010-05-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

Week 4 of full court press in the gym...and I'm in a groove!

I'm really seeing a difference..mainly in my arms and legs..I need to get more concentrated on my mid section!

I've been doing 5 days a week so far and its hard on my injured knee but I can feel it getting stronger and not as fatigued as it used to get..

so my schedule has been :
1 day with coach on the circuit weights
1 day cardio kickboxing
1 day of zumba (dance)
1 day weights and step interval
1 day of Power Pump (weights with bar, ball, and other props I'm so uncoordinated with)

Of course I mix this up, can't do the same thing everyday!

So far this works out for me and what I'm trying to do.

My goal is not to get thin but to get toned and lean and lose my TUMMY!

The thing is the more I work out the more I want to eat and YOU can not eat everything in sight just because you are working out! Its tempting but DON't do it!!!

I've tried to eliminate rice and other white enemies but its soooooooooooo hard.

Also my HAIR is becoming a problem...washing it almost everyday its getting old. and because I wash it everyday I gotta color it more...the grays have taken over.
I'm trying to not let this discourage me but it is a pain in my ASS.

I hope I can keep all this up once I find a job. Or maybe I'll just become a permanent stay at home mom that watches the soaps and hits the gym religiously!!

nah..can't afford to and I'd go stir crazy!!!

In the meantime (and between time) I'm handing in there, watching what I eat and taking tons of before and after photos but most of them are half naked so I can't post here..

but here's one of me taken last week

check those arms yo! no underarm FLAB baby!!

"there goes my babyyyyyy...."

Difficult Men...Don't make it easy for them!!

2010-05-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

All weekend I've been reading this book I got from the library for 25cents!
Check it!
Dealing with Difficult Men by Judith Segal, Ph.D.

I thought it would be cheesy and bought it more for the shits and giggles of it all (and the price) because I really don't have difficult men in my life except if you count my ex husband. :/

Its not the typical "hate on men" type of book - its more, how to deal with difficult men "effectively and in doing so allow yourself to appreciate and really enjoy the 'good' ones".
Neat huh??
"Dealing with stressed, confused, manipulative, and in some cases, seemingly unconscious men takes skill, knowledge , experience and resilience."

The author first describes the Difficult men categories.

She says " difficult men seem to have 3 characteristics in common"

1) They either hide opinions, feelings, or they push them on you in a not so clear, direct, open or honest way;
2) They either totally withhold their feelings, totally unaware that they have feelings or they blast their feelings in an out of control way - 'emotional Neanderthals' she calls them;
Or
3)They either control you with their passive behavior or they are bluntly aggressive and show signs of being control freaks.
ding, ding, ding...That's my ex...:/

And this is all in Introduction...

The book then continues with:
The Dealing with Difficult Men plan.

I love it!!
So with my blue highlighter in hand I cozied up to see what I could learn.

And of course I had to share. This will be a series because the books has 7
inspiring chapters!

Chapter 1) Men are difficult and we allow it. (with sections like "Men like it This Way and "are you a difficult-man magnet")
2) The Lineup. Talks about all the diff types of men (with sections like "the powermongers, the admiration hounds, the nurture needers and about 10 other different types)
3) The Party Is Over (with "Choose to be on top for yourself" and "Power is not a four letter word")
4) Skills for Thriving. (Putting it all together : Problem Solving)
5) Conflict Savvy. When to speak up and when to clam up
6) Coping with Negative Reactions. How to deal with testing.
7) Get used to success!!

Whew!!!
Rolling up my sleeves!

Tell me....
What's the ratio of frogs to princes in your life??

After this...

2010-05-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

He will
Miss me before we meet again
Kiss me before I expect it
Gaze at me before I twirl
Guess my scent before I snuggle
Touch my knee before its near
Turn off his phone before it rings
Hug me before the pain
Say he loves me before its heard
Beg me to stay before I have to go
Chase me before I turn to run
Show his excitement before I'm naked
Take it before I serve it
Embrace me before I cry

Give me his all before I die.

Gemini Girl's Bday wishlist

2010-05-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

6 weeks and counting....

Already working on my WISH LIST...

SO FAR I WANT....

A bedroom makeover...I want a new mattress, headboard (that I want to make myself), new sheets, spreads, pillows...the whole works. I want the colors to be Bright and bold ! Reds, Yellows...

A NEW SEXY RED DRESS...Since my body is getting TIGHTER I need to show if off..I think 6 weeks is enough time to lose the love handles, muffin top and the back fat....

KILLA LIPSTICK...mac w/ Hello Kitty..the colors are fantastic!

NEW RED SHOES.....I've been lusting over these by Brian Atwood..so sexy!

New Pots and Pan..I know to you that may seem boring..but I need and want some SO BAD!!!

and I would be remiss if I didn't mention a new Coach bag..been my obsession for 20+ years....#80sbaby

Now I just need a sponsor (or a dayum job)!!! whatever

Taken by storm....

2010-05-01T06:04:00.000-07:00

They met like they did every weekend only this time it was in the middle of a tornado warning. She drove thru hail literally to get to him. On the way, in her head, she planned out everything she would say to him -how much she missed him, how much she wanted them back together, how she was sorry for all the mistakes she'd made, but once she got to him she felt the distance and the hesitancy so she pulled back and immediately felt rejected. He asked if she wanted to grab something to eat. Defeated she lowered her head, said NO and grabbed for her keys.
The winds pick up outside and under her skirt. She ran to her car, pretending she had somewhere to go and he let her politely, as always, run.

While driving back north, to home the rain became even heavier and she could barely see out her window, thru her tears, she dailed his number anyways.
"How can you be so insensitve to my feelings? How can you let this go, Where is the effort??
He asked her to pull over, at the underpass, he was following her, parked behind her, she moved to her passenger side he was at her door already. Her heart was beating as loud as the thunder was pounding and her eyes closed and the lightening struck overhead. The cars crept by them as he slid off her panties and slid into her tight wet place that had not been touched in months, she never stopped crying thru each stroke. She even felt his tears on her shoulders with each thrust. Suddenly the rain stopped, he pulled out and off back into the highway.
Everything was still.
No rain, no tears.
Peace.
She finally knew it was over.

Empty...

2010-04-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

Fasting
cleanse me
of past
residue
film of
angst
Feeling
release me
with song
resonate
deep within
heartache

gee you bedda work it out....

2010-04-22T04:57:00.000-07:00

Well dang..everybody is on the health kick!! I'm so happy to see all my friends eating better and working out...we need to take care of ourselves it so important for our minds and spirits. I'm jumping on that bandwagon too cuz shit I don't want to be left behind..and be the only fatty in the crowd!

I won't say I've never been on it but its been a minute..for me it started in college..I was the tall skinny girl (all my life) and never worried about working out or what I ate til I signed up for cheerleading. Our coach was a FITNESS FREAK! she made us count every single calorie we consumed and we had to take a body and muscle class and we all gained so much from her because I still remember all that stuff.

It was hard but I stayed a size 4 til my wedding day in 1997. My cinderella gown fit perfectly... I looked beautiful on my horse and carriage with my glass slippers...and...
okay i'm getting off topic.

back to working out...
so I was a size 4, got married then started reproducing and my tummy and my boobs started to spread..now I don't mind my 38C cup but the tummy has GOT to go...so in 2004 I joined a gym and got back into it..then like a dummy got pregnant again!!!

then I lost it again, then fell in love and gained it all back and now today I'm looking 6 months pregnant ...NO JOKE! I can now SQUEEZE into a size 8 jean and thats what I want but I want to be a slim and trim size 8 not a "My muffin top runneth over jeans size 8"
(don't laugh)
So like everybody else I'm starting to take action against the FAT!
I joined my local YMCA, its so freaking expensive that we only do it in the summers just for the camps and the pools but this time I actually signed up for a coach and ERRRRRRYTHANG!!!! I took one step/kick class and it KICKED my ass!!!

I meet up with my coach this weekend to go over my goals. He/She will weigh me, discuess my goals and map a plan so I can meet my target?? I'm not sure this will be my first time doing something like this.
I will have to do weight training, cycling, etc..and its all being tracked electronically and the results go to the coach so each week they can see if you cheated or not and if you are making progress.

In the meantime I'm taking a Pilates class today and a Body Pump class tomorrow and we kick off BOOT CAMP on Saturday!

GO ME, the NEW FIT GEE!!!!

Work It Out

Beyonce | MySpace Music Videos

she's just a friend...

2010-04-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

damn how many times have we heard this over and over again..thanks to the Nobody beats the Biz! M-a-r-K-I-E!!

I don't get the guys that ONLY have female friends..and thats it...I have a problem with that..

and I admit it..if I'm wrong say I'm wrong..

All and let me repeat..ALL the men in my life have been romantically involved with me at some point in time or want to be...there never was any middle ground..so based on my experience if you are hanging with a dude you've been with him before or you want to and vice versa if you are a dude that has only female friends you have been with at least one of them and you'd like to get closer to the other.

This doesn't apply to those dudes that have equal amounts of male and female friends that they hang out with on the regular...i'm not talking about you..

I'm talking about the dudes that ONLY have female friends..and when they have girlfriends this becomes a problem..

why you say...

because...you will have a convo like this

Boyfriend: hey baby I'm going to hang with Lisa
Girlfriend: Just Lisa? Just you 2 out at a bar drinking??
BF: Yes..you know we are just friends
GF: hmmm no I do not know that....

She's thinking either they fucked and it didn't work out or go to the next level or somewhere down the road they will eventually fuck..Or they kissed and it got awkward so they never pursued for "fear of ruining a good friendship" BULLSHIT
as somepoint in time you guys were intimate...or will be.

and then you will have a convo like this after you guys eventually break up over your need to hang with said female friends

Him: I'm hanging at bar XYZ with Lisa tonight since I really couldn't hang with her while we were dating..I neglected our friendship
Her: Just you and Lisa
Him: Yeah you don't like bars anyways
Her: You are joking right??
Him: No

BULLSHIT!

Call me crazy but every guy I've gone out with wants sex at some point if we haven't already gone down that road..and If we fucked before 10 times out of 10 he will want to do it again...he will pretend to be friendly in the beginning but best believe he's thinking about it..the chick also!

So if I'm dating someone tall, dark and handsome and he constantly wants to hang with his female BFFs I gotta a problem..whats the motive here??
Because these are most likely single women looking for a man so I'm thinking is he with her to discretly scope out more girls while she's checking for dudes or what??

Like I'm mad you don't have any male friends to balance all this shit out..granted they may get you into more trouble but you still need that male bonding as well.

And what about those relationships that end on a good note..you guys go your separate ways but say "baby I love you lets be friends".and so you start out that way but in the back of your mind you are thinking "if i really want to have sex with him/her again , we can make it happen"

so there comes the time when he gets a NEW girlfriend...
then the old girlfriend (now the female BFF) says..
Her: hey lets' go get a drink at a bar, I miss you, we were so great together
him: let me check with my NEW girlfriend
her: just tell her we are JUST friends
him: she won't go for that but whatever
her: cool I will see you soon, then one things leads to another

you follow this bullshit circle???

in labor....

2010-04-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

not that kind of labor..this here shop is CLOSED!!

I'm talking Department of Labor..YEP I'm now considered one of the 66,000+ registered at the DOL as unemployed and claiming benefits. I was in shock as I received my glossy grey packet (not blue like UP in the AIR) but same information.

It threw me for a loop when I first got the news that my job no longer needed me after completing a successful (well not so successful we found out later my boss lost 2 million dollars) project I had a few thoughts running thru my head like when you first take a pregnancy test...you have mixed emotions...

I was sad cuz well I was losing my health insurance if I didn't pay the $919 cobra fees..then happy cuz they reduced it to $321 since I was a single mom or some other requirements I met...but then sad again cuz I couldn't even afford that!

Then I was elated cuz well YEAH I get to stay home, stay in my PJS, watch my soaps, sleep in..then I got depressed real quick cuz I still had to get up at 6 and sit in the carpool lane and look for jobs and sell myself and MAKE SOME MONEY and PAY THE SAME BILLS - basically I had to GRIND MORE NOW! at least at work I got nice lunch breaks!

After a few weeks of depression I felt optimistic again...maybe I could open another store...follow my PASSION! YES the skys the limit..then pessimistic cuz well "where am I gonna get that kind of money to do alladat AGAIN" I still owe people from my LAST shop!

Then I felt YOUNG again..hey I could go back to school then get a pay raise when I DO go back to work...then I felt OLD AS HELL as I will probably be older than all the students in the class and the students? well I could be all of their mommas!!!

So you see I was an emotional wreck... till I had my first official WORKSHOP last week and its not just young black women getting laid off which was my first thought..its old white men, young white men, its all of us..we are all riding this boat together...and they actually gave me some tips on tweaking my resume

it hasn't been all bad..catching up on sleep, getting all my doctors appointments done feeling healthy and energetic, creating and being crafty again, even sending handmade cards to some of my dearest friends, googling some of my not so dear friends seeing what the are up to...organizing my home office (COFFICE as tiffany calls it)
My house is now in order and I'm ready to deliver...but

its only been 2 months
SHIT I'm in my first trimester,
no more morning sickness but I gotta lot of work to do!

somebody HOLD MY HAND!

gone baby, don't be long...

2010-04-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

So e badu caught a case over the window seat video (actually I think she was fined for $500 and almost got arrested) Didn't she say she wanted to get arrested??

I've watched it maybe 3 times I know its deeper than what I interpreted it to be but why is everyone going apeshit over it? really???

Its not worse than what they do while filming real world, jerseylicious, jersey shore and XY and Z (enter any reality tv show here)
All the women on those shows show their titties (yeah I said TITTIES) and them boys show there asses!
and what about all the boobs for beads at mardigras did they get fined or arrested? I don't get it
Damn if I were a boy!

I was up this am at 4am listening and reading all the lyrics, Krush bought me the album he's always so up on the music way before I am
the words are so deep and real and I can relate them to my life down to a tee!

"Get Munny" is my current fav but "Can't turn me away, I believe in your heart, I'll always want to stay......

well let me get to sleep it is now 6 something...must do church in a few hours...

down for an upgrade...

2010-04-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

i've been a very very very sad girl...

downgraded someone in my life thinking
it would upgrade him if I wasn't in his life anymore
you know...
if you weren't with me
you'd be so much more persistant at this,
you'd be motivated to take care of that,
you'd be inspired to do something, anything, whatever, whenever

now i'm sad (and mad)
how could he let me go so easily...
told me i was right
damn he didn't even fight! (for me, for us)
why didn't he beg me to stay in his life
isn't this a muthafuckn trip...
i'm mad because he let me go, after I let him go

wow, gemini's will always make it about them won't they

what were all the reasons we broke up again anyways?
I had to make a list, i'm checking it now
reminding myself again, the numbers aren't adding up
did they outweigh the good..sometimes
absolutley, when I write them all out they do!
and sometimes they don't when I edit and add and subtract
sometimes they seem so valid, ironically
and reasonable, the reasons why
most times they look like excuses, or just a girl pmsing,
like a monthly thing
i can look in the mirror and see him in me
and then i don't have to wonder
why we are apart..we are so much alike
but worlds apart..a perfect fit pulled apart

then i say well that proves my point
it wasn't meant to be
so I go back to my list, the cards, the letters
and the memories and then i see
we want the same thing and either of us
have given those things to each other
not consistently at least
shit
i've analyzed this 10 ways to sunday
and still can't figure out why i'm
mad
#comeonson
how could he NOT fight for me?

when we said this was how it was gonna be
me and he

Lady Tee

2009-06-10T07:02:00.000-07:00

aka Teena Maria released a new album yesterday.

Congo Square

love for sale...

2009-05-04T09:10:00.001-07:00

why wasn't this sold in stores??

I need this album!!! PRONTO!

Bilal must be a gemini..cuz he's truly an artist..hot - cold and - inbetween
alladat
The champ and I saw him Saturday night

n'dambi opened for him HOT..her energy was SICK!!!

Bilal lingered out around 11pm..with algebra as a back up singer SHE"S HOT
he didn't have his regular band and seemed frustrated by it
had to play some of his own songs on the piano cuz homeboy wasn't getting it

he seemed irritated
and high
and algebra seemed worried or concerned about him

pure love on her face for him...
I was wondering the whole time if he felt the love coming from his fans
like a gemini I felt he was anazlying our responses
he seemed reluctant to do an encore but he did

he was BLOWING! I LOVE HIM!

When he did SOMETimes the crowd went crazy~
and Make me over is my new JAM!

and for the record he was checking me out of course!! behind his shades

"make me over, make me over..."

hold on..and wait...

2009-04-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

Knowing when to cut your losses or stick it out in a relationship is a tough decision especially if you are just in the beginning stages..and thats the best time to make this decision so it should be easy right??.

It shouldn't take a lot of time (wasted years) figuring out if you are good for one another.

I've been LOVING the champ for a lil over a year now and I consider our relationship still in its early stages. I think because we are constantly trying to get to know each other and please each other..we've taken our time and we've enjoyed every minute of it.

WE are so similar sometimes that it worries me...Can I give him what I want when he wants the same things from me??
If we are both takers how can we give....Sometimes we are both givers and so how do we get want we want??

We analyze..hey we are both geminis born on the same day so thats what we do

- we OVER- ANALYZE. Could we just be?? Ever??

I want the best for him and he wants the best for me and we want to give each other our best.
WE get in the way of ourselves because we try so hard.

WE still have a lot of growing to do individually, together and apart. That makes me excited and sad at the same time.

The question at hand is Do we need time apart?? ... to work on ourselves?? Can't we grow together??

I want to stick it in...push into overdrive and press thru this..we can do it together.

Don't keep me waitin, I'm impatient

Hit my runway, and let's take off and fly

Now I'm where I wanna be, come co-pilot with me

Let's burn up the sky (OOHHH)

It's the climb

2009-04-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

last Easter was beautiful..read about it here..

This Easter great also - was spent with family in from North Carolina! WE had a blast but feeding everyone almost broke the bank! add in 2 movies, 2 days of putt putt golf, go karts, bumper boats, church, and tons of laughs I'm broke and exhausted

But it was awesome!

I started the weekend off by going to see Hannah Montana with the lil gees..great movie and this song is basically my WHOLE LIFE's mantra!! - check the lyrics

THE CLIMB!
I can almost see it
That dream Im dreamin, but
Theres a voice inside my head sayin
Youll never reach it

Every step Im taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my head held high
Theres always gonna be another mountain
Im always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle

That sometimes Im gonna have to lose
Aint about how fast I get there
Aint about whats waitin on the other side
Its the climb

The struggles Im facin
The chances Im takinS
ometimes might knock me down, but
No, Im not breaking
I may not know it

But these are the moments thatI
m gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

Theres always gonna be another mountain
Im always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
That sometimes Im gonna have to lose
Aint about how fast I get there
Aint about what's waitin on the other side
Its the climb
Yeah

Keep on movin
Keep climbin
Keep the faith, baby
Its all about, its all about the climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoa, whoa

doobie ashtray....

2009-03-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

man..where have I been??

I had this great post about sacrifices and how we sacrifice our time to give to others and how we sacrifice sleep for concerts and our sanity for work but I fell asleep never typed it in my phone and now its all lost!
so all I have is my "happy to date"

this live performance from Solange...the champ and I saw her Thursday night and WOW she's amazing in her own lane and FIYAH!!!

this theme for my bb *heart*

new red frames

this diva

new boots

"That's just so, That's just so, That's just sooooooooooooooo..need a champagne chronic nitecap"

baggage left...finally...

2009-02-23T15:13:00.000-08:00

"My foolish heart was broken
when he left us in the cold.
Now I’m left to fix the pieces."

Exactly how I felt 3 years ago when my ex husband left us for 8 weeks and then ultimately for good to be with another woman. We absolutely lost everything without the energy to put up a fight.
Didn't think I would ever get over that. Somehow I did, I had to, had no choice.
I think if there was a build up, if we had a horrible marriage, some kind of warning then I would've been prepared for the inevitable , I thought I had the epitome of a stable marriage til the air was knocked out of my stomach. I kept asking "What did I do??" In the past I
looked down at women that complained about their husbands and had men on the side.
I was in it for the long haul. I made my bed and I was comfy and cozy in it.
Until the day I found out he wanted out and had already spent a year working on another relationship. and to think I was so happy to be married to him , thought I had my whole life figured out. WOW!
I didn't know any better.
Getting back at him was never a goal for me. I was too numb for revenge.

The best revenge is her calling me asking me to help her with him. HUH?? The problems you guys are having I never had with him. I listened anyways. She talked about how controlling and evil he is with her. He was never like that with me. Please don't call again for advice as I have none. Goodbye to you both.

Back then I was in survival mode and that's all I thought about. I kept my friends and family on the outside and all of my pain in the inside. Until recently.
Now a commerical, a tv show, something the kids will say, or this song will bring it all to surface. Right at a time when love has found me again all the pain is seeping out. Purging to make room for something deeper and pure.
I went thru so many years of being quiet that I didn't feel or voice anything about my divorce.
I pushed it to the bottom of my soul. The minute I started to feel again, The minute I started to love again all of my barriers melted away and all the baggage came rushing around.
As I was loving him I was hating the him of my past. I love you in one conversation to I can't talk to you ever again in the next conversation. Emotional rollercoaster all day , every day.
Love and hate. Wore them on my sleeve everyday. How exhausted I was.

A few months ago I finally said "is it me, something I've done that makes you treat me this way" and he simply said "no , you've done nothing" and with that I was able to let it all go. Just like that. It wasn't me at all. I forgave him. I forgive myself. Enough is Enough. I'm done.
I wasted so much energy these past few years that I will never get back but I'm enjoying the new years I'm making with a light heart and less pain.
I'm sure every now and then something else will take me back down memory lane and all I have to do is look to my side or look in front of me and see all the love I have all around me.

"I won’t let you keep (keep) hurting me, if you gone keep causing me pain."

doctor, doctor...

2009-02-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

see?
Thats exactly why folks don't be like going to the doctor on the regular.
They always be finding shit!

I push my fam, friends and coworkers to go
get check ups, be proactive!
but its been a year since I've taken my own advice

I'd had warning signs for month
tight jeans, headaches, racing heart
and always TIRED..so doggon TIRED all the time

So I knew I needed to go

SO First I call my female doc you know my gyn
I was a new patient cuz of new insurance
so they wanted to check everything!
mammogram - check...
annual inspection of the love below - check BUT
they want to retest some shit
SHEESH!
Then
Internal Med Doc
they checked urine, heart, blood pressure
My blood pressure was borderline hypertension
and I'd gained 15lbs!!!
Then we talked about my family history
DAMNIT if every member of my family had something!!

diabetes, stroke, breast cancer, tumors YOU NAME IT

SHEESH!
I didn't even tell them about my alcoholic uncle
that would've been TOO MURCH!
SO after all that they order
glucose tests, stress tests
SHEESH!
Then
Eye doctor..need contacts and glasses
Then the dentist
3 filings DAMN!

So I've been ordered to stop caffeine, exercise, watch salt intake and stop stressing!

I still have a few more followups over the next few weeks
In the end I will have peace of mind (or I will be worrying more)
but at least I will know what is going on and have a plan of action
I want to LIVE!
I gotta be healthy to work, provide for my fam and love!

How are you in the health dept? Are you taking care of your body?
How do you overcome your fear of the doctor??

My aunt hasn't been in 5 years she's 58 saying "You are okay til you see a doctor"

I be damn if she ain't right!

Doctor, doctor, what's going on?
Can you tell me what's going on?

catch and release...{repost from pchats}

2009-02-06T05:53:00.000-08:00

Hard to put into words the way he makes Ms. Kitty purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

We were just chillin I think, surfin' the tube
when he reached for our secret drawer
..looking for the lube.
"Wait...we don't need any" - I see his mind thinking.
"I want you to make me wet" I whisper (my way of hinting)
he starts
Spreading my legs and cupping my thighs,
ready for action my clit doubles in size,
with long licks and short flicks
he eats me like its his last supper or
one of those blow pop suckers.
and I'm thinking
"how did I score this one" and
"where did he come from"??
He's the Champ, and the G.O.A.T still hitting pussy homeruns.
with me
and
My legs are pressed against his ears
I'm clinching my fists, close to tears
his face has completely disappeared
into me
and
all over me,
and with me
and thru me
and I feel my juices tricklin' down my ass,
Its so slippery, and I'm moving so fast.
beggin him
just fuck me put me out of my misery,
clearly
I can't take it
I'm lost at sea
he's not giving in...
"let me finish" geegee.
okay
so I lose my breath
as I feel it building up
and this time I can't stop,
it slowly erupts
I know it will be a strong
still shocked
at how intense
So shocked I start laughing
and crying,
does that even make sense??

knocked up

2009-01-27T17:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary, Feelin' like a 16 year old. Black skinny little girl that got pregnant after having sex one time with the nastiest boy in class. Feelin' like I will always be 8 months this way sitting at home while everyone else goes to the prom. Feelin' like I'll always wear "hand-me-downs" while everyone rocks the Jordache jeans. Baby daddy has no respect for me, my time, my hopes, my dreams. He lives his life as he pleases clubs, late night weedin. Feelin' alone in this world, yet not free to be away from all my misery. Feelin' trapped in a body that rejects everybody. I make everyone around me cry. I make them all feel guilty. I make them all wish I would die.

"We just sittin' here tryin to win, try not to sin
high off weed and
lots of gin"

new new..things to do...

2009-01-21T14:58:00.000-08:00

For my 100th post (on this blog)...I wanted to post 100 things we should do this year!

1) Write a letter to the President (congratulations, thanks, anything encouraging)

"Loving Everything You Do

Cuz You Do It Well"

2) Write your mom a letter
3) women get an annual complete with pap smear and mammogram (done 1/26/08)
4) kiss a baby
5) gentlemen have your prostate checked
6) kiss a pet
7) give lover lap dance
8) babysit (if you don't have kids it will make or break you)
9) do the robot at a house party
10) really leave toxic friends behind
11) sing out loud to your lover
12) knit something (its so relaxing)
13) go to a concert
14) travel to the islands
15) make a scrapbook (DONE)
16) plant a tree
17) become an organ donor (DONE)
18) drive coast to coast
19) buy a sex toy (DONE)
20) write kids a letter tell them how proud you are of them
21) make love in the rain
22)see a foreign film (subtitles a must)
23)Visit the white house
24) shake hands with a celebrity
25) go camping
26) be an extra in a movie
27) throw a huge party (i've never had a party thrown for me...PHOOEY!)
28) go see a taping of a show , or be on a show (I was on Oprah!)
29) sit on a jury (done that..couldn't escape it living in DC)
30) fall in love and stay in love!

okay I can't think of anymore, already bored with this lil project LMAO!!!

add yours in the comments....can we make it to 100???

"Will you succeed? Yes, you will indeed (98 3/4% guaranteed)." - Dr. Seuss

not til this minute...

2009-01-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

did I wish I was home in DC...maybe I could just blink and plop myself in the middle of pennsylvania avenue for like 15 minutes...that's all I need just 15mins...

"naw i'm straight" - b. obama

gee book of rhymes...

2009-01-15T13:05:00.000-08:00

As promised I'm posting a few pages from my inspiration journal....

Next journal prompt:

Name the things you LOVE...what brings you joy??

How do you give LOVE/ BRING JOY to others??

"Man I found

these shits up in the crib

man in boxes man

I don't even remember

when I was writing these shits

or what's in these shits man

probably a bunch of bullshit man

Fuck it check it"

- nas

save me...save me....

2009-01-12T17:29:00.000-08:00

he needed me
mentally
physically
by his side
immediately
but it couldn't be
you see
I'm not free
emotionally
I'm practically
a brand new gee
after months gone
silence we fell upon
no contact
'cept sporadically
thoughts of
a new kind of being
actually
what about friends?
new dialogue
new understanding
accept reality
his reasons for not
poetically
hearts falling
not even
accidently
even a postcard
needed
love in his world
failing
violently
undead
wanting ressurecting
while I, living my life
separately
contemplated his need
...and mine
amazed
at my loyalty
if reverse
my world failing?
to my heart's
content
he'd be there
that's loyalty

Journal to shine...

2009-01-08T06:42:00.000-08:00

So I finally bought my journal for 2009 (pages will be shared)....I start it off as always with words of how I brought the new year in (this year in tears again)...and then its normal day to day fodder of what I'm doing, what I did, what I'm grateful for and what I want.

This year I want to write about what inspires me, how can I be an inspiration, how can I become a better me for all those around me and for all those lives I touch. I want it to reach beyond my immediate friends and family and coworkers.

I want that passion and determination in my eyes that I had 10 years ago, that I had again 5 years ago. Somewhere it got lost...dreams fulfilled and dreams deferred.

I want more sources of motivation, creativity, happiness, rejuvenation, more reasons to live. For the past 2 years I've coasted...survived (sometimes just barely) I'm tired of coasting...doing enough just to get by...I want more!

I'm starting with this journal...from these pages to real life.

Journal Prompt # 1
What do you want people to say about you when you are not listening??
What are you doing to always leave positive vibes behind you??

"I'm just like you
I gotta fight to stay strong"

lost...

2009-01-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

people come in and out of your life so often
doesn't make sense til they are gone
or back again
a maze of unknowns and why comes
making you feel
as if you were misunderstood,
under educated,
selfish and not deserving
no inspiration,
no desire,
desperate to find a solution
to life's big question

what next?

"i used to be so well rounded"

meme gg...

2009-01-06T18:17:00.000-08:00

I think this is my first one....why not...sick at home for 2 days...nothing else better to do.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Damn, I look as sick as I feel

2. How much cash do you have on you?
$82.00

3. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Alecat

4. What tshirt are you wearing? Amerykah (came with the cd)

5. Do you label yourself?Not usually.

6. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? barefoot all day baby

7. Bright or Dark Room? candle lit

8. What does your watch look like? I don't own one.

9. What were you doing at midnight last night?Taking meds.

10. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
"What made you ask that"

11. Where is your nearest 7-11? haven't found one in Atlanta

12. What's a word that you say a lot? I LOVE YOU

13. Who told you he/she loved you last? Sean

14. Last furry thing you touched? my slippers.

15. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? sudafed, nyquil, robitussin, antibiotics, cough suppresants

16. How many rolls of film do you need developed? NONE..but I do need batteries for my digicam

17. Favorite age you have been so far? 21.

18. The last song you listened to?"Young Jeezy - Crazy World

19. What time of day were you born?8 AM or so.

20. What’s your favorite number? 16.

21. Where did you live in 1987? Frostburg, MD.

22. Are you jealous of anyone? admittedly yes.

23. Is anyone jealous of you? I wonder

24. Where were you when 9/11 happened? In Marietta in my loft working

25. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Curse, punch the vending machine, try to flip it over, curse again, repeat til I get my damn candy!

26. Do you consider yourself kind? YES

27. Would you move for the person you loved? Yes.

28. Are you touchy feely? YES.

29. What’s your life motto? You can't control everything.

30. Have you been burned by love?Absolutely.

follow me...2009

2008-12-31T09:43:00.000-08:00

I had a dream about our President Elect last night and this song was playing in the background

Let me show you
Let me show you the way to go

I don’t know everything
But there’s something I do know
I’ve read and heard a lot
And now I’m ready to show

That we can come together
And think like one
Come together now
Live together underneath the sun

Please, please let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you the way to go

Follow me, my friend

Just put your trust in me
I’ll try not to let you down
The job is hard to do
But only we can work this out
'Cause we can help each other to overcome
We can do it
We can do it now
Rejoice everybody
And get the job done
Please, please, please
Just let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you the way to go

Follow me my friend

Help each other to overcome
We can do it
We can do it, now
Live together underneath the sun

Please, please, please
Just let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you the way to go
I swear I’ll never let you down
(Follow me, follow me)

Put your hand in mine
We can do it
We can work it out

need for speed...

2008-12-09T05:12:00.000-08:00

My monthly gift came in the form of a speeding ticket..MY FIRST SPEEDING TICKET EVER!

that is all I have.....

oh ... instead of racing (pun intended) thru the holidays take the time to enjoy the lil ones and what it means to them. Be extra patient, extra kind and give extra hugs and kisses this holiday season. WE all NEED IT!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS from the lil gee gees!!

super bad...

2008-11-25T05:19:00.000-08:00

I'm officially an XBOX widow.

The Champ and I are hosting Turkey day at his place...wish us luck! The menu sounds yummy but will it taste yummy!

My MAC lip gloss is poppin - Viva Glam VI

Work is slow and boring. I hope I get off early tomorrow.

Seems like all the lil people in my life want webkinz..I'm so sick of buying these things.

I hope I get a new coach bag for christmas...HINT, HINT!

My medium bikini panties are getting smaller and smaller on my..I think my bootay is growing!!!

My happiness is back....I will never let someone steal all that joy from me again.

My 2 bestest girlfriends live in NC and in TX..I miss them so much..They both called me yesterday and I wish we could HANG!

Why do all my college buddies want me to spend half my day on facebook. No I do not want to find MR. TH that left me for my cheerleading coach!! HAHA!

I think the next store I open will be a Porn shop full of movies, books, toys and coffee.. Yeah COFFEE!!!

oh and another thing I'm NO. 1 in my fantasy basketball league..SUCKAS!!! and its my first time playing...I do my RESEARCH SON!!!!...

"watch me.....watch me...I got soulllllllllllllllll...and I'm super bad!"

*smooches*

bout to spaz...

2008-11-18T05:06:00.000-08:00

I'm ashamed to say
I've let someone
steal my joy
for 4 days

I can't let it go.
Its hard to move on
Can't talk about it
no one understands
no right words.

Its so unfair
to those that are around me
to those that love me

I have this monster inside of me.
Its growing
It wants to fight.
I can't control it.
I can't hold it in.

I haven't been happy for 4 days
What happened to my happiness

I want to escape
unrecognizable
different
My face is not my own

How could I smile when I'm hurtin' so bad inside?

brand new day...

2008-11-05T04:40:00.000-08:00

Every Look Around
Cause there's a reason
to rejoice you see
Everybody come out
And let's commence
to singing joyfully

Everybody look up
And feel the hope
that we've been waiting for

Everybody's glad
Because our silent fear
and dread is gone
Freedom, you see,
has got our hearts
singing so joyfully

Just look about
You owe it to yourself
to check it out

Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?
Can't you feel a brand new day?

vote wit me....

2008-11-04T12:44:00.001-08:00

"Gotta get yo' ass up and vibe with me

Come on ride with me, come on ride with me

Holla, get crunk, get live with me"

random gee...

2008-10-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

"I gotta ask myself..what's it gonna be...I gotta make decisions.."

this weekend..

took lower case gees (i love that...) to see HSM3..it was adorable!!

baked these (quick peel apart dough ready in 12 - gotta love good and quick)

kissed him *muah*

started to knit this

bought this

caught up with this dude

... wow!

all these things keep me sane..tv, music, family, the champ, crafts, chocolate!!!

"In and out the day

In and out the night

Im a find my way

Just 2 survive"

escape route...

2008-10-15T12:31:00.001-07:00

whats my plan??... why am I running?..what am I running from...?? something obviously because...
my dreams lately have been these elaborate escape plans. I mean really long drawn out sessions of me trying to get away from someone or something.
Sidenote: maybe I feel trapped in real life, yeah thats it..NAH.. that would be too easy
but these dreams are so detailed that they could really be turned into the next Jerry Bruckheimer film.
The most recent one last night involved me and 40 other girls.
Sidenote: it wasn't THAT type of dream..
for some reason we’d all gone to this mansion for a shoe sale..all our expensive cars (yes they were expensive) were parked outside and we were browsing the latest foot fetishes. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed all our cars being discretly taken away and stored in an far off trailer. I paid it no mind at first thinking okay maybe they are moving them because of the upcoming fashion show.
Sidenote: on the site where I work we are constantly asked to move our cars because of paving..so I get this part
anyway in this dream I notice the girls are starting to disapear as well so I follow one of the guys moving our cars and they catch me and come after me!
Side note: I like to be the chaser..I dont like to be chased!!!
so I'm booking it ..thru fire escapes, caves, tunnels, more neighborhoods, ramps, elevators, airports, train stations, even in and out of a space shuttle...it never ends..the running...
it never ends...they never catch me and I never stop running
I finally wake up to the comfort of my man...I wish I gave him the same comfort...he doubts I even know how much he loves me...I know..honestly I do.. but I doubt I deserve it , and maybe I can never give it back to him *sigh*

"sometimes i do act flaky"

QOTD: everyday intimacy

2008-10-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

The Champ and I (for the past 8 months) have this daily ritual of sending each other questions of the day..any topic...nothing off limits...here's one of them...

The Champ: I read an article in today’s paper about a wife who gave her husband the gift of intimacy everyday for a year. They decided to turn off the television and try some sort of intimacy each day. Do you think that is a realistic goal? Could you see us doing something like that?
CookieLady: Yes of course, we already practice this..when we just lay and chill next to one another..talking..reconnecting after a busy week. When we sit and watch movies together you rubbing my feet, us cuddling...When we sex each other all up and down, in every room. When we hold hands at a play or concert, when we kiss in a movie, when we hug on the street and when we don't see each other we do it with words for example; letters, emails, txts, phone calls. We've even done it via Webcam.
CookieLady: What are some ways she gave him intimacy?
The Champ: They didn’t go into detail about the types of intimacy but mainly they were talking about getting it on. I do enjoy just laying in the bed talking and relaxing with you.
CookieLady: Getting it on every single day???
The Champ: The wife said they averaged 26 – 28 days a month.
Cookie Lady: Well DANG!
The Champ: LOL
CookieLady: Now you answer
The Champ: I think it’s realistic to have some type of intimacy everyday but I don’t know about getting it in each time. Yes, I think we could do something like that. The couple in the article had been married for twenty years and had several children
CookieLady: I will try very hard to give it you..whatever you want and I need..I want to provide that to you
TheChamp: and you do

hurricane m.d....

2008-09-21T05:23:00.000-07:00

mommie dearest is gone and in her aftermath....7 days of destruction

broken shower curtain $19.99
2 out of 3 toilets clogged
broken curtain rod $15.00
1 box of Gain - YES A WHOLE BOX IN 7 days....$10.99
6 bags of garbage
2 packs of cigarettes, 1 case of beer, 2 bottles of wine...$56.00
2 weeks of groceries (used in 7 days)...$327.00
2 weeks of gas (used in one week).....$80.00
broken faucet in kitchen (who knows how much this will cost)
2 cans of resolve carpet cleaner...$13.99

having your mom stay with you 7 days...taking care of your house and sick kids while they are on fall break??

PRICELESS!

love you mommie dearest *muah*

lookout weekend...

2008-09-10T12:47:00.001-07:00

"I work hard everyday
its all work and no play
with the boss on my back,
he don't give me any slack
I sit down
I day dream
of how my weekends gonna be"

mommie dearest will be here tomorrow..

that is all! (enjoy the music)

*double sigh*

C's of fall...Crafting, Cuddling, Cards, Creating, Chillin, Connecting and the Champ...

2008-09-04T03:58:00.001-07:00

I know for most of you fall means football, well for me it means knitting, scrapbooking, cardmaking and CHILLIN...I'm stirring my creative juices RIGHT NOW and getting ready to hibernate for the winter with lots of new yarn, new 12x12 papers, stickers and embellishments and plenty of handmade projects on my plate.

Crafting: I used to own a scrapbook store and I LOVED IT...2100 sq. ft of pure bliss!!

I used to crank out the pages and I've been published over 22 times, a scrapbookers dream..and it was my passion for so many years and I've neglected it...

Here's one (or two) I completed a few years back for a magazine:

Sadly I haven't submitted anything since 2005...DRAT! so I'm diggin out my boxes and getting back into it...first up a wedding reception album for my aunt! YAY ME!!

Creating: I like to also create a lot of handmade things for the HOME (wooden letters, ornaments out of cd's, etc), here's are a few examples...

Cardmaking: I make a lot of cards and tin holders for cards..Check it!

Crafting Needles: I buy new needles every year..but i can only make scarves!!! this is my favorite yarn to use...called fancy fur..

Cuddling..what better time than the fall/winter months to intimate with your loved ones??..the Champ and I are planning a lot of quality time for quality connecting with each other..YEAH RIGHT...I forgot I have to make appointments between his football games for a few kisses!!!

*sigh*

in this concrete jungle..where do you stand??

just one more day...

2008-08-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

the weekends are JUST TOO SHORT!

I can't forget those lovely days...I need one more day
I will do anything you want me to do, say anything you want me to say

cherish you til the day I die
let me have one more day

Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....just one more day

vain...or NOT

2008-08-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering if I'm vain as I sit at my desk at work checking my mirror 15,000 times.

Am I vain?? Do I think I look good?

What am I checking for? Is my gray showing? Do I have food in my teeth? Boogers in my nose?? Zits on my cheeks? Chin hair? Crust in my eyes?? Wax in my ears??

Why am I obsessing over my looks??? Such a gemini...happy one minute...frowning the next.

But really...why do I feel like all eyes on me? Is it my looks...my physical features? Do you see something you like?

Or are you checking for blemishes and moles?? Are you looking for something out of place??
I feel myself doing this to everyone around me...even the champ..drives him crazy!! I'm plucking his eyebrows...constantly squeezing his face...What's wrong with me??
am I obsessed with perfection...???

I feel like everything is out of place...out of sync.... but by what standards??

I want a new haircut, I want my old body back, I want a manicure and a pedicure, I want the hair on my legs to stop growing, I want my lips fuller, I want these freckles and moles off my face. Why? I dunno

Who am I trying to impress? I dunno

Why allasudden? I dunno

I'm just not proud of how I look right now..TODAY.. so how could I be vain?

Is it because I think everyone is looking at me...talking about me...thinking about me....measuring my accomplishments, analyzing my salary, guessing my intentions, judging my work and weighing my emotions. I'm afraid they will see right through me...will they think I'm fake? that I have been faking? that I don't know all the answers, I make mistakes, I have flaws.

Will they be able to see past that..see past it all and into my heart?? Am I a fraud?...I don't have it together or do I??..cuz I damn sho made it thru 40 years and I have a very bless - sed life. I'm sure of it.

So Am I going through a midlife crisis?? Whats wrong with me TODAY??

....my saving grace is that I've started my gratitude journal again..after putting it down 3 years ago..no wonder the past 2 years have been so tough ... I need to get back to acknowledging all THAT I have instead of fussing over what I want and how I should look.

*double sigh*

spirit flowing on the inside...

2008-08-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

i'm one of those people that create their best stuff when they are depressed, sad, confused, anxious, intoxicated...scanning my old journals and reading my past angst...it seems most of the great writings of gemini girl have come out of despair *sigh*... I'm amazed at how the words just poured out when I was worried, frantic, and sexually frustrated.

like billie holiday...lady sings the blues...I guess

when I'm happy and fulfilled and content the words don't flow as much..nothing to complain about..or wonder or ponder.I tend to keep these feelings close to my heart...mostly I'm just busy expressing my love to the ones that make me smile the most.

concentrating on the important..life is good...i'm grateful

"loving you
makes my heart sing a song"

another memory...

2008-07-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

another concert

another weekend together

another month in love

gemini tattoos

in love with the same man...

"hello did you mean to leave me at the hospital, you are the only one that left"

love explained...

2008-07-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul."

Do you believe in love??

we put on...

2008-07-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

the "blind date" part was the only true part of "how did you guys meet"?

we have not told our family members we met online..why?

our story is a friend of a friend who works with a friend of a coworker hooked us up...and they are okay with that?? WOW...

why is it bad that we met and fell in love online? I don't hang out at clubs, I barely leave the 15 mile radius around my home and job so it was just natural I'd meet someone online since I spend most of my time on the computer.

We didn't meet thru a dating service..DAMN we didn't even met thru a mutual friend
WE innocently started chatted online, I asked him about places to hang downtown, he invited me out telling me he'd show me around, we were just gonna be friends. We both told ourselves that.
I got sick the weekend of..and nervous about dating someone that lived so close. I almost cancelled completely...
But I gathered my courage and we had a great first date...I knew right away I wanted to be more than just friends with the Champ.

I've never dated anyone in Atlanta in the 11 years I've lived here except for the man that I was married to and we never went out... so its been a treat to be involved with someone close who can show me around the city. He's like a handmade blanket to me, so comforting and warm and I really enjoy being in his presence.

Every single weekend since we've met have been ours..we've always been together...they've been filled with concerts (even whodini), movies (Vantage Point, sex in the city, Hulk, Ironman, 21, Wanted, Kung Fu Panda), basketball, kids, fireworks, tattoos, the Easter Bunny, his mom, my family, his sister, scrabble, restuarants..tons of FOOD and DRINKS!!!, even the modern dance (Alvin Ailey), lots of MUSIC, the pool, stonemountain hikes, well ONE stone mountain hike, x-rated scrabble, visits to the SEX TOY SHOP, a book reading, a shared birthday, and most importantly love..just love, love, love.

so why is it bad we met online?? why come we gotta put on for our family AND FRIENDS??

question...

2008-06-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

WHY COME...i've developed this bad sleeping habit..passing out after work at 5pm and waking up at 10pm???..groggy, grumpy, thirsty and all alone...all other work folks heading to bed, all sleepy, can't talk...

"just me, myself and I...that's all I got in the endddddddddddddddddd"

nuffin on tv..I'm not even interested in the mole...I need off beat celebrities on there to keep me entertained.

"welcome to HOLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYwoood"
"I see your jealousy as you watching me
(I see you watching me baby)
You watching (Its all good)
It's kinda sexy to me how you watching me (I love it)
You watching me"

guess I will watch my BEYONCE EXPERIENCE DVD over and over ... I'm so addicted to it.

Her body is amazing and the costumes hit all the right spots...

Its made me a super fan of BEY BEY. I mean I rocked the cd for a straight year in heavy rotation..BUT girlfriend gets DOWN in this concert!!!!!

I'm just mad she sung all of her duets ALONE..I wanted to see more than 5 seconds of Jay Z and Destiny's Child...How you gon sing ALL OF 12 Destiny Child songs and not include them???

She didn't invite Sean Paul or Shakira????...*sigh* shiddddddddddd at least bring out Bun B....Slim Thug??

The only "flaws..." was her rendition of Jill Scott's "He loves me" HATED IT!

and the "crank dat" soldier boy dance..WOW could've done without that...

then the angel surrounding her with crocodile tears when she did Flaws and all......HMMMMM not believable AT ALL!!! BUT NOW I LOVE THAT SONG!!!

The lil Chicago parody was FIYAH...her female dancers can be so gangsta one minute then graceful ballerinas the next then belly dancers then next then ...ok lemme stop

Overall to me her voice was strong, the lacefront was fierce with the fan blowing thru it non stop and I'm still mesmerized by the dancers...."drop down scrub the flo wit it"

hopefully they will ease me back into dreamland tonight earlier than 2am like last night..I gotta wake up and pay by "bills, bills, bills..."

deez legz 4 u..

2008-06-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Baby!

When two Geminis partner off, it really is like four people coming together, as Gemini is represented by the dual sign of the Twins. This relationship will never be boring and both partners will share an intellectual approach to life. Both will not only allow but also appreciate the freedom and variety of expression which is characteristic of Gemini. Both enjoy each other's conversation and love to cultivate the art of discussion. Wit and curiosity make them a stunning and stimulating couple, entertaining each other and the people they socialize with. If they learn to cooperate, rather than compete, they will enjoy a happy relationship.

Gemini is a Mutable Sign. Flexible, easy-going natures make the four of them a perfect couple. Having mastered the art of compromise, two Mutable signs together will easily make an enlightened couple who rarely feel the stress of conflict.

The best aspect of the Gemini-Gemini relationship is the enormous amount of intellectual energy and stimulation. Both keep each other from enduring a mundane existence. Together they can entertain the world and accomplish more than either could alone.

*muah*

really? she wouldn't??

2008-06-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

would she??..have you ever?

If you have found a romantic partner in a Gemini, you have a young at heart lover who wants to try new things and is always looking for a new adventure. The Gemini partner will need a quick wit, and the capacity to change directions on a moment's notice. Gemini will frequently test their partners for loyalty and commitment, so try to keep jealousy and anger at bay, because although the challenge at hand may look like it is external, it is often a situation generated by Gemini himself as a test of your commitment. Additionally, while Gemini is often animated and fun, within a short time this can change to brooding and isolative, so learning when to back off completely is important in this relationship. If Gemini becomes bored within the relationship, he will almost certainly move on, often with no concept of the devastation he is causing, so keeping it fresh and alive over the long term is crucial to holding on to a romantic relationship with a Gemini.

Would you actually concoct something just to make someone jealous??..WOW
Have you??

..I've been so guilty of this....I'm not saying recently..but I'm sayin...
TOP 5

1. Pretend to get sexy emails from other men
2. Pretend to get sexy voice messages from other men
3. Pretend to get flowers from anybody
4. Pretend to flirt with someone that likes me
5. Pretend to like someone that likes me

devious!!!

"Maybe we should be taping so you can remember.. I'm just sayin!"

so highschool - ish...WOW I'm ashamed!

shut up already...

2008-06-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

damn..

Happy Birthday PRINCE - June 7th....GEMINI's UNITE!

right now..SIGN O' the TIMES is my all time fav PRINCE album..

1. Housequake
2. If I was your girlfriend
3. PLAY in the sunshine
4. Starfish and Coffee
5. Ballad of Dorothy Parker

Today you are thinking that a change of scenery would do you good. You are feeling this way because you instinctively realize the mental and emotional benefits of doing this. Our psychological makeup demands that we take in new experiences once in a while or we get stuck in a rut. The workaholics burn out because they don't get their nose away from the grindstone before it is too late.

So what do you do when you want to get away and can't...how do you escape?

the truf ruuuuf......

2008-06-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

my horoscope today:

All the stimulation you've been adding to your life has been great, but the cost of those experiences is adding up to create quite a sum total on your credit card statement! It's time to add some more bulk to your rapidly dwindling rainy day fund! Put together a budget that's a little bit painful -- force yourself to go without a few indulgences for a while, and you might be able to enjoy a much bigger one later. Delayed gratification isn't always fun, but it is always worth it.

me and budgets don't equal..never have...I want to live life to the fullest and to the max..

why is that so painful???

think I should get a suga daddy....naw...don't think the champ would like that very much!

*snicker*

my energy's kinetic...

2008-05-29T05:24:00.001-07:00

The Twins aren't asking for much, just someone who will stimulate their mind for a great time. Of course, those mental hijinks need to have a bit of follow-through, so a lover with variety on their mind will score a perfect 10. That said, a quickie in the back seat of a fast car is just what the doctor ordered on some days. Face it, the Gemini woman is versatile! Most of all, sex is a mental sport for Gemini. The act begins in the head and works its way down and around.

Gemini is always in search of the perfect lover and the perfect sexual experience. Once they (hopefully) find it, they will want, and give, stimulation to all the senses, for sight, sound and touch are all important. Bottom line: The Twins want something different and something complete.

Not too much to ask, right?

For me when I can make it happen quickly I feel I've done my job.
My girls are just the opposite..they say the longer the guy lasts the better..
they tell me they'd rather it take longer so they can get theirs..hmmmmm

I've been working on my SLOW MOTION techniques in the bedroom, tryna slow it down, enjoy the moment..and don't rush the pleasure...let him take his time pleasing me and WOW
its been great!

Ladies/Fellas what do you prefer..quickies or LONG DRAWN out sessions??...DRAWN out may be a lil harsh..but I tend to enjoy the quickies...lets get it over with and do something else.

sex is like a sport to me....get to the goal, get the trophy and lets get some dinner champ..

and the faster I can get him to his goal the better ...

what?

Ankh....@ 40

2008-05-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

My only gripe with having birthdays is when people say "You look good for your age" WTF..I HATE THAT!

anyways...

I'm so excited to see

what the future

holds for lil ole me

once I turn 4-teeeeeee

I'm ready for the NEW NEW!

This will start GEMINI MONTH..shout out to my baby who was also born on JUNE 16th !!!

Tidbit No. 1. Sexual Preferences of a Gemini woman
This woman is quite unpredictable when it comes to sex. The place is not as important for her as mental stimulation. Gemini woman is open to new things with no prejudices about sex . But her strongest turn-on lies in her brain. Phone sex, adult DVD and sex books are among her favorite though, because she can't imagine her life without mental stimulation. Gemini woman is innately gifted with the art of teasing, that's why a soft feather in her hands turns into a spicy sensual play with the wide range of sensations. She likes to invent new ways and intricate manipulations of pleasing her partner. She may introduce balls into vagina and as her partner penetrate her from behind or combine it with manual stimulation of the genitals.

as flava flav would say..WOW WOW WOW WOOOOOOOOW!!!!

p.s. I have never had balls in my vagina....

that kind of guy...

2008-05-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

I was emailing someone yesterday describing THE CHAMP
and the only thing I could say was that "he's a CATCH".

I knew from our very first telephone conversation 90 days ago...
that we were both on the same page and headed in the same direction.
I knew he was different and I would be changed by him from that day..
day 1 we marked it.
The way he smiled ... turned me soft because I knew it was genuine and just for me
instant gratification..all the time smiles, giggles, hugs and kisses
kind words of support, comfort, desire, passion, completeness.
I knew we'd be different to each other not like all the rest.
Taking our time/more time, listening more, more willing to compromise,
sharing insides that no one else could touch - generous with our affection..
our attention in one direction..
our need for each other is matched ... point to point connection.

I knew we'd have new experiences and new outcomes,
new lovers for the first time, making everyone else the last time
I knew we were growing together and into some real together
all easy loving

I know..this type of feeling only comes once in a lifetime you say?
and some people think discomfort will eventually come after the love
I never thought that...
and you can only have one soulmate you say?
I had a soulmate I didn't marry and a husband that never saw my passion,
but he sees it all...everytime
and he makes me feel it..even when I doubted....
after all these days he said he'd go back to day one
to convince me ...when the fear freezes me
in my steps and in my feelings
my imagination like a runaway train
I'm chasing everything
but something else, running
trying to get free, pushing him away, off of me...
sabotage and abandonment filled the time
that was meant for him and us
wasted energy that shouldn't have existed

luckily he had faith and trusted what we already had/could have
he was aware of my baggage and he constantly told me
"I got you..don't worry, I will wait for you"
my common denominator in weekends, thoughts, and prayers
plans for the future too.
In my heart I keep him safe..barely to escape
unless them to him
to his face
in his ear
only for him
actions reserved for him
love with his name on it
no more
what did I do wrong..will I do it again??
will I fall...and will he catch me??

in one day..this instance
I let it all go...all the betrayal..just like that
it was lifted..and the love just poured out of me and it won't stop

no more doubt I told him...and he makes sure it stays that way
consistent with me always..even when my leaves were flailing in the wind
even when I'm unsure
or wavering
still
he's that big strong tree
that doesn't budge

he's that guy
I was walking behind on a 5 mile trail
around stone mountain this weekend
I kept trying to push him ahead of me
telling him to run his own race , go faster, speed up
but he stayed with me
grabbing my hand
pushing me forward saying "I'm not leaving you"
"Are you afraid I will get lost?"
he said, "No"
"Am I slowing you down?"
again he said "No, I just want to be next to you"
"I can see you...so go"
"I'm not going anywhere"
and with that
we just kept walking...
side by side
staying close
yep he's that kind of guy
"loving him a little more everyday"

near and with me....

2008-05-07T12:11:00.000-07:00

he asked me why I left
total silence
a new season, a new me
the old me, the woe is me
fear upon me
couldn't articulate my feelings
frozen
hushed
couldn't state my case
he was my only voice of reason
my haven of balance and maturity

had to leave him
run
flee
fly to sanity
outside our bubble
be free or burn together
this circle of love
that was pierced by
pride and uncertainty
caught in my throat
I wanted to
but I couldn't
I needed to
but I wouldn't
not again
choking now
on my tears
so I ran
and I didn't say why

call it a crime...

2008-05-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

I just realized this morning driving into work that I haven't had much to write about because I'm happy...I've been looking for my happy place..I'm in my happy place...I'm on my way to a happier place

I'm one of those people that could write and express myself better on paper when I'm sad, depressed, emotionally distraught and feeling blue.

When I'm happy I keep those feelings in, to myself, holding them close and never letting them out for fear they will get away from me..for fear they will be stolen from me never to return.

I wrote some of my best work on my old blog because I was heartbroken, soul searching and confused...the more my heart breaks the more I'm able to express myself.

When I'm happy and content I choke and keep those feelings inside, which reminds me of this by Marianne Williamson

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
It is our light not our darkness that frightens us
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us
It is not just in some of us
It is in everyone
And as we let our own light shine
We unconsciously give permission to other people
To do the same
As we are liberated from our own fear
Our presence automatically liberates others

on another note: I'd be even happier if I had NELLY in my life!

"You can go search but you never could find,
I promise you derrty I'm one of a kind. "

the bitch is back, part II

2008-04-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

my girl TIFFY holds it down (bronlaw too)

we connected from day one almost a year ago and we are like sisters fo real!!!

this goes out to her..for always listening, trusting my advice, giving me wisdom, and keeping it gully...

"I don’t care what a bitch think or how a hoe feel
Cause ain’t nann one of you hoes payin my bills
And ain’t nann one of you hoes fina buy me a crib
And ain’t nann one of you hoes fina get me a whip
I know I must make a lot of ya’ll hoes sick
And all I can tell you hoes, get used to it bitch!"

mi.ami. you tight.word....

2008-04-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

She barely made it through her meetings today at work.
All she could think about was her plans for TC.
She knew their next adventure would involve a beach
and some serious bumping and grinding on a dance floor.

She spent the entire afternoon looking for flights and
making hotel arrangements before calling him and asking him
to meet her at the airport.

They both arrived at 630pm. He was freshly shaven and
smelling good with his black overnight bag hanging from his shoulder.
6'3" , sexy and chocolate.

She was wearing a white trench coat and he wasn't sure what was underneath
but his mind wandered to the evening before when he was standing over her,
naked on his bed, watching her rub her smooth pink suzie q (as she called it),
while he watched, while he stroked himself....while he fantasized.

WHEW! He shook his head fast..trying to save those visions for later..
trying to get them out of his head now as he walked thru the airport.
He didn't want anyone to see his erection thru his jeans but she saw it right away...
and she smiled a big smile knowing it was all for her.
To return the favor she flashed him a thigh..
he caught a glimpse of her black lacey garter, stockings and 5 inch heels. he grinned.
DAYUM he could hardly walk after that he was so fucking horny for her...
and he wanted and needed what was under that coat.

Even though they'd been dating for months each time with her felt like the first time...
even when they'd just spent the midnight hour sexin in the front seat of his truck hours,
later he'd need her again like he'd never had her.
She grabbed his hand just then and slowly kissed him
he smelled her and melted she then pulled him towards their gate..
they didn't have much time.
he looked up .
destination Miami.

once settled in their assigned seats his hands felt her warm skin..
the seat belt sign was lit and the flight attendent started her pre flight safety speech

"Please turn your attention to the safety manual located in the front pocket of the seat in front of you"
he slide his hands between her warm , soft, thighs, pulled her thongs aside and found her wetness, she inhaled
he slide in his middle finger and she exhaled
"Please take this time to locate the emergency exits located at the front, side and rear of the plane"
He used his thumb to rub circles around her clit..she slowly started to move her hips
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight and low across your waist."
she grabbed his hard thru her coat and pushed it deeper , she started to move faster
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling."
She started to tremble as he whispered in her ear "cum for me baby..let me feel it..I know you can do it...do it right here...right now..I won't stop til you do." her movements were short and quick jolts, she almost lost her breath
"Your seat cushions can be used for a flotation device" the flight attendent continued.
This time he stuck in 2 fingers and it was all she could to not scream out...
as she came all over him
"Thanks for flying with our airline..Please remain in your seats until the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign"
her: thanks baby...once we get in the air I'm going to show you my appreciation somehow
him: I'm looking forward to that

*******

"Everything.. ccccccheck
Thats why i cant wait to slip off your clothes
and lick you from head to toe"

please understand...

2008-04-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

cute M.S.N article someone emailed me

Top 5 signs you could have a player on your hands…

1) He’s bold. For the playa, the pickup is a game. He doesn’t approach women with the same nervousness or awkwardness of a normal guy. He’ll walk up confidently, {READ SWAG} with a big smile and great eye contact. His manner will be smooth and put-together.

2) He declares his feelings right away. Playas employ a “fast come-on,”making sweeping statements of affection (e.g., “You’re the most perfect woman I’ve ever met”) from the word go. These declarations can feel very welcome, especially if you’ve been in a string of relationships that lacked such intimacy. Just remember that true closeness takes time, and it’s normal for a guy to be more guarded about his emotions.

3) He always plans romantic dates. Dating for the playa is kind of a performance art. And he’s going to be good at it.

4) He has lots of acquaintances, no close friends. The playa tends to be a lone wolf. That doesn’t mean he lacks for drinking buddies. The same way he charms women, he can charm lots of people in his life. The key is that, in friendship as in romance, his affections run broad but not deep. If solid pals are hard to come by with this guy, consider yourself warned.

5) He’s a thrill seeker. A guy who spends his spare time looking for a rush — fast driving, bungee jumping, kite-boarding, heli-skiing — should give you pause. This type, craves the high that comes from conquering a difficult challenge, and that goes for his relationship goals as well. Once he’s “conquered” you, your allure may quickly fade. …

WELL DAYUM...what do you guys think - true or false..and here is the flip side

TOP 5 signs he’s just a nice, upstanding guy

1) He’s goofy. The sincere suitor is not suave. He doesn’t always say the right thing. “Believe me,” “The false charmer does not trip. He knows where his feet are at all times.”

2) He remembers personal details and events. It’s the most basic way to show someone you care—by learning about his or her life and interests. Playas can’t be bothered with this.

3) He treats his mama right. Generally speaking, a loving family begets a loving person, and the opposite is also true.

4) He can mingle. “The sincere guy doesn’t mind being in a room with people who are more accomplished than he is.” Conversely, the playa wants to be in situations that will glorify only himself, especially around his woman. He doesn’t want to listen to another man’s interesting story. A loving guy, on the other hand, can mix with others even when he’s not the star of the show, and actually enjoys learning things from them.

5) He says, “I love you.” As fawning as a playa's affections are, there’s still something sacred about the L-bomb. An insincere man would say, “I want to grow old with you,” or “I want to have children with you,” but “I love you” remained somehow off limits. A guy who says those three magic words may very well mean them.

Right now I'm falling for a guy that's a lil bit of playa and a lil bit of good guy..
he's a gemini..no wonder!!!

You can't play me, I'm GEE Thee G-E-E

i gots nuffin...

2008-04-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

'cept my TOP 5 sick lyrics of the day:

"I"m sick like the flu.." CraigMack
"They say I'm 730, say I spaz out" - FB
"Oh cat daddy...tell me what you know about us" Teedra
"Don't let the world break me tonight" Mariah
"I don't need anotherI could spend my lifeBeing your lover" Janet

not to blame

2008-03-30T17:58:00.001-07:00

someone told me this weekend that a brand NEW relationship
is a good time to break all bad habits.
is it even possible to start fresh everytime you meet someone new??
ms. new booty (sorry shouts out to bubbasparkxxxx)
are you always bringing up shit, old emotions
that you thought you'd let go??
apparently not

like finding old love letters and lovemaking cds..

the signs are there..hidden or out in the open..they had someone before you
previous cats

they had girlfriends, jumpoffs and even wives...recognize
but why pull them into your relationship now..that was
months, years ago, let it go

whew! I'm trying my damn-dest to take my own advice
mistakes and heartaches get the best of me, and man its hard

so hard
to just live in the moment
in the time
where you are right now

its hard but i'm doing it
i will do it

Krush told me
"you need new ointment
for those old wounds"

I guess I do
where's the nearest drugstore??

******

i'm in such a good mood right now
you always wonder
why
there is a permanent smile
on my face
its been that way
since the day we met
you make me smile
constantly
instant chemistry
that's gotten the best of me
the way you take care of me
warms my heart, us and we
I'm so giggly with you
so at peace and calm
so relaxed and renewed
with you i'm glued

the art of noise...

2008-03-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

Its no secret that words get me and
I use words to get a reaction
I admit that
lyrically i'm...

but
talking too much during sex WooooW
has this happened to you..the guy is too chattybratty???
the girl just won't shut up??

I admit it I LOVE FOR A MAN to whisper in my ear
all the things I love to hear like

"give it to me baby"
"I know you got one more for me baby"
"tell me how you want it baby"

dAYUM that gets me

but sometimes I wonder if what I'm saying is good to him
or is it a distraction

have you ever wanted to say

"shut up baby"

LMAO!

TOP 5...

1) whats the sexiest thing you've heard during

2) whats the goofiest

3) what do you fantasize about hearing

4) are you the most talkative one

5) would you prefer silence??

what cha'll know bout beat box???

quiet please....

here comes peter cottontail...

2008-03-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

The Easter Bunny hasn't been to see me since I was 12 hunting for eggs at my grammama and 'nems house in Virginia..but this year....HE FOUND ME and lookie...some of my favorite things.
TOP 5.....

Chocolate
Janet Jackson
Jill Scott
a CARD
TONS of kisses

YAY!

"You put it down last night
do you want some money baby
how bout some chicken wings"

whatevawhatevawhatevawhatevawhatevavwhatevawhatevawhatevawhatevawhatevawhateva

Gemini...

2008-03-06T18:29:00.001-08:00

his indecision
frightens me
never knowing which way
he's gonna feel today
twin intuition
lies and deceit
he's not ready for me
his heart is broken
too many
holes to count
his honesty
worries me
never straightforward
working around his answer
dancing around the truth
split personality
he'll regret
the time not spent
pressure building
mounting in his mind
my ability to adapt
to this situation
would be impossible
his mystery
fascinates me
stimulates my insides
leaving me thirsty
insane
and full of
contradictions
leaving me restless

my twin

I see me in him

"no need to worry"

Why limit yourself...

2008-03-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

Question of the DAY:

Should you keep all your eggs in one basket

or should you scramble them with cheese

and share the wealth???

affectionately signed,

newnew

"And I don't tell stories, I let em tell theyself "

if love is the end....

2008-03-02T05:09:00.000-08:00

Would you be willing to give your full heart if you knew true love was the end??

I've been evaluating the past 2 years since my marriage ended and I'm so over it. DONE.
I've kissed a few frogs and even a saint and the results were always the same. LONELINESS.

I've put myself in situations, false relationships, unconsciously that I knew had no future.
Made myself available to the unavailable because maybe in my heart I knew I wasn't ready
for something more permanent and that could be and would be all mine.
When you know its not gonna work you don't even try. When you know that person is not worthy of your love you don't give it all you've got. Sometimes you think you don't derseve it.
Maybe you know they don't deserve. Everything is hard and forced,
Nothing is easy, there is always a struggle.
I wasn't strong enough, stable enough, healthy enough anyway. I wasnt ready for the relationship I dreamed of, desired and planned for. Couldn't fully accept it anyway. Couldn't fully let go of the past anyway. There was a wall, sometimes it was invisible and sometimes it smacked me in the face til I passed out from the emotional and physical exhaustion of it all.
Just plain and simple, I wasn't ready.

Now I am.

Now I'm ready to give fully and freely. Nothing to control, eggshells to walk on, easy buttons to push.
Just want to enjoy long dates, wet kisses, strong hugs and late night conversations with the full knowledge that we are in this thing together.
Wanna hold his hand, sink into his embrace and know that "I got him".
Want him to look into my eyes, grab my hand and know that "he's got me".
Want us to be at the same place at the same PACE. Learning.

Both leaving the past behind and moving forward....full steam.
Don't want to be afraid of getting hurt or losing.
Don't want to worry about my flaws, failures, insecurities and past mistakes.
Just want to go with him, be with him, sing with him and dance with him.

I'm giving my heart, I've already decided.

"I'll play
what ever you say
If love is the end"

P.S. starting a NEW NEW job...like a real one....my first 9 to 5 well actually 8 to 4 in over 8 years

WOW....my feet gon be hurting!

come on kiss the gun...

2008-02-26T07:03:00.000-08:00

he was so tall
overpowering even
she couldn't help
but wonder to herself
when she hugged him
how it would feel
if he slipped his hands
into her boyshorts
would anyone notice
folk meeting and greeting
place crowded
maybe his arms would be hidden
by his dark jacket
button down shirt
as he manuevered
inside her tight jeans
down and inside her warmth
as he spread her lips apart
to the folds of her wet spot
he silently wondered
if the people playing pool
next to them would notice
her hips as they rocked
against the palm of his hand
they both secretly hoped
strangers would ignore
what seemed like a playful kiss
and hand to his cheek
and not hear her roar
"u. r. gonna make me cum"
then him whispering
"go head baby"
the encounter
this one embrace
only lasted 90 seconds
just a taste
that was all it took

"guaranteed for fun"

shoot the moon....

2008-02-25T06:12:00.000-08:00

neva know til you try it....

posting this for TIFFY..my eyebrows...

I've neva eva eva altered them cept for a few plucks here and there

thinking bout getting them waxed this week...shape them up...
I want them bushy and full but toned down..something to add to my
beauty regime.

what have you added lately??

I'm pretty low maintenance..I like to keep it simple but
for the new year I want to try some new things

shake it up a little..maybe a new hair color??

oh and I've started a new project...day 3 ;)

its your world....

2008-02-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

Quote of the Day

"Don't let other people tell you what you want."

– Pat Riley

TOP 5.....

are you living your life for someone else??
are you on the outside looking in??
are you trapped in a dream that is not yours??
are you a victim of your circumstances??
are you everything you aspire to be??

everything we need we already have

overachievers anonymous....

2008-02-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

I spent the BEST WEEKEND EVER with my girls from da BURG....we've known each other half our lives and we've all experienced the same things JUST at different times of our lives....
we shopped together, went to church together, cried together, listened to go-go (Sardines HEY and pork n beans) and house music and drank so much booze together it was ridiculous...
my friend had a full blown bar IN HER HOUSE..we concocted every drink imaginable and we went thru 4 yearbooks, 6 photo albums and 2 dean and deluca bags of photos!

I'm gonna post some my college photos because truly they show the TRUE ME! WOW!
from the spandex biker shorts and reeboks, to the too big for my face eyeglasses, to the size 2 cheerleading outfit, to all the OMEGA man we chased and devoured (we had 2 albums alone of all of our que boyfriends) WOW! we wore pink timbalands, leather trenchcoats with magenta sweatsuits...we smelled like liz claiborne realities and we listened to Maureen by Sade 24/7

those were the days...but anyways..

the most important part of the weekend was just how all of our conversation centered around the men in our lives...past, present and what we want in the future...

and there was only one complaint
Why are men intimidated by women that are doing well for themselves?

wtf?? I read so many blogs daily written by men talking about how he wants his woman to be successful/have a hustle (right sbm??) , cook, have a nice body, give him head on a regular basis and let him hang with his boys from time to time

but when we make too much money they feel inadequate
when we feed them too much they get santa bellies and blame our mashed potatoes
when our bodies are all hard and we got the 6-pack they look at themselves with disgust
when we give them head...well they don't complain about that but they always want more

and when we let them hang with the boys...they do stooopid shit!

but the main theme that got me is that when a man has someone that can pay her bills on time, buy them special gifts, treat them to dinners and movies
the man feels less than a man
he then wants to feel more needed and more than likely turns to someone that is NEEDY!!!
he turns away from the I- N- D- E- P-E - N -D - E- N- T woman to someone that has nothing going on...

men say they don't want a woman without any dreams but when we have too many they say we are being extravagant or unrealistic
one BFF's boyfriend said her house was too big
one BFF's boyfriend said she should downsize from her truck to a car
shit I've had guys say they were intimidated because I worked all the time

its like men bitch and moan about wining and dining women but when they meet a women that doesn't need alladat they complain, rebel and end up finding someone that does....

*sigh*
men gotta love em...."I eat em in the morning and I eat em in the night"

heart rate increases...

2008-02-15T04:47:00.000-08:00

*thump,thump*

this is all I got...

NGO

6'3" and full of fine-NESS

something about his nipples...

"You start to shiver.. but then you scream, my friend"

Have a great weekend ladies! *wink*

"This is the rap season.. where the gee starts pleasin"

my valentine....

2008-02-13T12:54:00.001-08:00

he's black and hot....my MR. COFFEE....LOVE HIM!!!

...my vday gift from DAD...not that *daddy* (protector)

but my biological DAD (you remember the crazy one)

I've been on the horn with TIFFY all week about how I wanted a coffee maker...and this is what I got...called DAD and told him my bank account needed a refresher and he hooked me up.

So I bought this and this...i love coffee mugs

I rented Why Did I Get Married and bought The Best Man

The Protector and I didn't make plans and had no expectations....we are broken up anyways..right

*sigh*

so I have plans with myself, my coffee and my movies.

Got a job interview tomorrow early (so i'm posting this now) then I have the rest of the day off to pamper myself and rest up for my girls weekend!

go gee - dub!!!

good to me....

2008-02-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

two things:

i'm reading the 4 agreements thanks to my hairdresser:

1) Say only what you mean
2) Nothing others do is because of you
3)Ask questions..express what you really want
4)Do your best

..in a nutshell everyone should read this book!

and i'm headed to Charlotte to visit my bestest girlfriend from college..
met her on the first day of school...she was also my maid of honor
we are still very close and her dad and my dad are still friends 20 {ahem} years later....
haven't seen her since we took a girls getaway to disney about 4 years ago
she called to tell me she's going on a cruise for her birthday this month
and I want to see her before she goes

I'm also doing a cruise in JUNE...............GEMINI BABY!
..wish we were doing it together - we've always been with each other in spirit even when we don't see each other for years! we've gotten into so much trouble over the years it AIN'T even funny!!

I need to see her...she feeds my spirit...she quenches my soul...gives me a feeling of comfort, she's my warm blanket...she restores my faith and gets me to see the important things in life and I never sweat the small stuff when i'm around her

one time we were driving and ran out of gas...I almost peed in my pants cuz she said
"thats it..we're out of gas"
me: "what????"
her: "we're out of gas"
me: "what do you mean?"
her: "what I said..we are OUT OF GAS!!"
the way she said it just made me die laughing ...
me: "isn't this a hybrid"
her: "what does that have to do with anything"
me: "we shouldn't ever run out of gas"
her: "well we are now"
we sat and cried and laughed so hard for 30mins..we couldn't stop laughing
we couldn't even call for help we just laughed and cried

I know you had to be there but it was the funniest thing ever I swear..I'm crying from laughing so hard right now as I type this!

so anyways..that's my share of the week..aren't you glad you stopped by ;)

:I feel like I’m seeing the world
inside of me
I can tell you that I know,
it's getting easier to breathe:

freestyle gee-day

2008-02-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

They say the gee is complicated
more like disrespected and hated
like when you gave your love and time
and they just skated
into the life of another one
you sit and cry to mama’s gun
but the tears won’t erase
the baggage that is sure to come
out from nowhere with the next one
he won’t understand the rage,mistrust,
and accusations
its all his fault for nothing
still he risked it all for the sensation
burning deepshe felt a false something
blamed it on jealousy
look inside the inner me is the enemy
no matter how fast I run
I still come undone
as my clothes fall at my feet
giving it up for free
to the next one

"i wish i could lose
all of my blues
i wish i could stop
puttin my blues on u"

you durty rat.....

2008-02-07T04:20:00.000-08:00

The Chinese year 4706 begins on today. Goodbye Pig...hello The Year of the Rat

Legend has it that in ancient times, Buddha asked all the animals to meet him on Chinese New Year. Twelve came, and Buddha named a year after each one. He announced that the people born in each animal's year would have some of that animal's personality. Those born in rat years tend to be leaders, pioneers, and conquerors. They are charming, passionate, charismatic, practical and hardworking.

My Chinese Zodiac is the Monkey (like my slippers?? MONKEYPAWZZ-thanks Crissy)

Here are some highlights:

No task is too great for the clever Monkeys.

They master most anything.

They have extremely charming manners that draw others.

Monkeys solve difficult problems with ease.

They are quick-witted,innovative, and they have total and intense belief in themselves.

No one delights in their own accomplishments like the Monkeys. Enjoying themselves immensely, they try anything at least once!

They don't care what opinions others have of them. They know they are lucky, and they also know they have the ability to change things when convenience calls. Monkeys are virtually unsinkable! When the odds are stacked against them, Monkeys know when to quit.

Their timing is superb, and they will wait to try another time.

Monkeys like to travel, and they want to do it first class.They need a certain amount of excitement in their lives.

Since Monkeys get what they want without too much trouble, they may not care about all their conquests. They lose interest quickly and must learn to finish what they start and take care of what they have.

People always flock around Monkeys,but Monkeys don't trust very much. They know a select group of friends that they choose carefully. Money is a must for Monkeys, and they usually have it, or will be in the process of getting it.They know nothing is permanent. They improve and try to do better, and often amaze even themselves. Monkeys like facts and they hate to waste time.

Monkeys must be careful in romance, although clear-sighted, they are very critical and lose interest in anyone they can't consider their peer.They are vain and egotistical,but even that is to their advantage.

Monkeys are always out in front!

Sounds like a Gemini to me, conceited as hell!!!!

this body of mine...

2008-02-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

I've been taking tons of photos of various parts of my body lately..Exploring how other people see me. Asking myself how do I look nekkid? Do I really look good in tight jeans. Should I go up in a bra size? Does anyone else notice how dry my feet are??
Pictures help...cuz its hard to just look in a mirror and step back and really see yourself...

First off I have a lot of freckles and moles..wow!! what's the difference??? i dunno
and I have a lot of HAIR wow!!! I need to wax erry dayum day and don't miss a day!!

do men really like women bald down there or with just a hint of hair?? anyways off topic

I think I look better straight on in photos..my profile view shows my double chin..I love my breasts, my hands and my lips. My hair has always been a pain cept in highschool I had the fly azz symetrical hair cut now I just keep it natural, no perms.

and wow do I need a haircut, i loook straight like don king when I wake up in the morning

..I cut my hair very short last august..and since then it grows faster and you can see my gray BIGTIME!!!! when it was long I never knew I had gray hair!!! and it seemed to never grow..go figure...

My butt is a size 8 but my belly is a size 14....naw lemme stop ... but really
I need a gut buster!!!!

I wish I had that runners attitude..ya know those people that can just get up every morning and walk or run . read: tiffy...I don't have it and never had it.

I looked my best and was most in shape 2 times in my life...The first time was in College I was a NCAA cheerleader so my body was TIGHT! I recorded every thing I ate and I was fit...I stayed a size 4 (not saying that is fit but it was fit for me) til I got married in 1997.

Then I got all comfy in my marriage started cooking and buying groceries like the stores were going out of business..I mean all the we did was EAT...next thing I know I'm a size 12...

so in

2004 I started going to a gym cuz I was just too lazy otherwise....I mostly did step aerobics, treadmill and light weights

I dropped down to a healty size 8..and I really loved how I looked but now I feel I'm sinking into that "lets eat everything in fridge in one day" mode....

I think once I settle into one job...I'm doing too many right now
and once I settle into a man...mind on the wrong one right now
then maybe I can settle into healthy eating habits and a workout that makes me happy!

or maybe I should flip it and reverse it??

driftin....

2008-01-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

from day to day..in limbo
trying so many different things that aren't working out
so what do i desire?? what should I be focusing on?
my life used to have so much direction..or did it?

When i was younger my dream was to get married
and have kids and work a job I loved!

so i drifted from single status to marital
i got so settled and comfortable
then my partner drifted out
emotionally
so I switched my focus to a NEW dream

to own something ... in my name only
something I could nurture and make a success
Secure my/our future
sweat equity
drifted from housewife to business owner

when I look back on these things I don't remember
the challenge and the struggle I just remember I made it
happen, somehow, someway
my mind was clear
I knew exactly what I was doing

now i'm just confused
shakenwhats my next move??
i'm hope that this will also
look like a walk in the park on a sunny day
once I get on the other side and look back at it
but for now it seems every door
i get the courage to walk thru
and turn the knob and settle in
i end up finding an empty room

want to get out of this cycle
want to open the door and get thru
come out on top
but I'm scrambling
mind all over the place
cuz I just don't know where to start

driftin...

thanks daddy

2008-01-16T05:49:00.000-08:00

wow my dad has always been special but his attitude regarding family is such a downer

sheesh i called the WRONG person tonight

me: hey daddy
him: hey baby..what's up
me: oh i wanted your advice on something
i'm thinking of moving closer to my family (mom's side)
him: why..your mother is crazy baby
me: huh? she doesn't even live there she's in wilmington
i'm thinking of going to greensboro
(with all my aunts (4), my close cousins, my grandmother, etc.)

him: family is the last folk i'd try to move next to
me: huh? (cracking up, asking myself is he serious?)
him: shit living next to strangers is scary enough
family will really treat you like shit
me: what?
him: c, my family is screwing me a new asshole
over this property

(he owns 100+ acres in georgia (also tons of properties in
florida)...and since he's retired his brothers and sisters are
suing him for a piece of it...to make a long story short)

anyways he's bitter..and now I see just how much

me: but daddy i've been to close to my family since i was
baby we've never had any drama..i think it would be a nice
change for me
i moved here 11 years with alex, i've sold my business
nothing is keeping me here now
him: well damn a family...what if they stab you in the back?
what if they move away
me: *blank stare*
i'm sorry you are going thru this with your siblings
but my moms family is different
him: yeah but your mother is crazy

my mom moved to dc, met my dad while working at the state dept.
he went to fight in the war and later they divorce cuz he had issues
and he calls her crazy??

me: wow
him: you might as well move back to dc
me: no its too expensive
him: well damn i can't help you
if you move closer to your family
and the shit hits the fan then don't call me
family will screw you please don't do it
me: we're close daddy it may be the support i need right now
him: shit thats why i walk around with my shotgun now
my damn family
i'm protecting my farm from my family not my neighbors
me: okay daddy i didn't want help just advice
him: well i'm advising you to stay where you are now
me: ok daddy
him: don't worry baby
i'm due to win the lottery any day now
its coming and i'll send you some money
me: speechless again *blank stare*
okay daddy i'll talk to you soon
him: love you
me: i love you too

why do grown folks think "playin their numbers"
is the answer to all prayers???

did i mention my daddy fought in vietnam
he's a lil crazy but i'll always be
daddy's lil girl

.....................................from a distance

lmao!!

restricted area...

2008-01-14T17:35:00.000-08:00

damn
i try
i really do
to try to find something
wrong with you
in love
with the wrong man
too short
too tall
too skinny
too fat
made perfect
in my eyes
he was worthy
i was not
so i looked for fault
to free myself
to let go
to cut the strings
that were
choking me
squeezing me
lifelines
from my veins
this love
too controlling
too convincing
too understanding
too devastating
want to find flaw
when you listened
how you comforted
want to find strength
when you rescue
lead
destroy
can't find myself
lost in you
hopeful and so untrue
must bend in a new
direction
function alone

breakthrough

18 vs. 40

2008-01-11T18:27:00.000-08:00

why come i gotta be
a cougar
cuz i'm crushin on
chris brown
he's literally shoved
down my throat on the
radio, tv, utube....
my cousins crib
can't escape
the lovey dovey
kiss-kiss

i'm saying i'm almost 40
I look almost 30
looking for someone almost 20
he's 18

what??

Top 5: cougar-isms
1. 40+
2.sexy/attractive
3. mentally stable
4. financially stable
5. in control

know one??

catch 22

2008-01-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

didn't take my meds..tagged again..by krush - wouldn't be proper blog etiquette if I ignored it..lol

Two Names you go by:
1. gee double
2. gee unit

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. brown sweats
2. pink striped top

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:
1. no fear of expression
2. kindness

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Eat
2. Eat while surfing

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. new truck
2. vacation (all expenses paid)

Two pets you had/have:
1. NONE
2. NEVER

Two people you think will fill this out:
Imma not tag nobody

Two things you did last night:
1. knitted
2.went to bed early

Two things you ate today:
1. bagel
2. rice, broccoli, chicken

Two people you last talked to:
1. mom
2. Tiffy

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. washing my hair
2. chillaxin {i'm boycotting work}

Two longest car rides:
1. atl to dc
2. nc to atlantic city

Two favorite holidays:
1. christmas
2. valentine's day

Favorite beverages:
1. cranberry juice
2. diet pepsi

Person no longer alive who you'd like to talk to:
1. marvin gaye
2. luther v.

Nobody knows what I go through
Indecisions made me passive
hey say I want my cake and I want to eat it too
ess satisfied if I don't, consequences when I do

blog-normality....

2008-01-07T05:07:00.000-08:00

so what is proper blog etiquette??

when is it okay to leave a comment?? only after someone has commented on yours??

how long do you lurk before commenting?? do you just lurk on some blogs and never comment?

when do you add people to your blogroll?? after they've added you, after they've had x amount of comments on your blog??

how many crushes is too many blog crushes?? LOL

this month marks my 1st anniversary of blogging and I still feel new to the game....I have a lot of blog favs and I comment as much as possible and some are on my blogroll but blogland does seem very clique-ish to me still.

I wonder if I've broken any rules. I added, subtracted and re-added folks to my blogroll over and over again. Most folk are there just cuz I enjoy reading their blogs and its fine that they never comment here. Most folk are there because they do comment here and I appreciate that. and most folk are here because i'm on their roll.

and some people I read I want to keep private (don't want anyone else to know about them) lol

i know one site in particular I've commented a few times but did not get that welcome vibe so I never went back....partially because I wasn't a member this invisible club and maybe she didn't want me there...i felt the icy cold and now I just lurk...why?

isn't that so high-school-ish?? are there really blog snobs??

How do you feel when you leave comments but the host never responds to your comments??

and what about the lurkers...read but won't comment..so why read..why not say something?? anything?

if you've ever felt unwelcomed here..email me!!!

i've been getting 75-100 hits aday with only a few comments..maybe I need to find something else to talk about... maybe I should just post photos

that's so blog-ish! why??

do you have any friends in your real life that reads your blog?? I have 2 and it causes problems and sometimes I censor

some people just can't know your every thought....why?

what chu know??

2008-01-05T06:10:00.000-08:00

Hollywood is such a game..part 2 (oh i'll post part 1 another day) its still on my phone..

n e ways...

I'm such a celebreality junkie! damn!
I wish I wasn't but I am
I love reading about their lives,
their kids, their fuk ups, their triumphs.
Somehow I feel like I'm some distant
cousin following their careers so that
when I see them at grandmamama's
and 'em at Thanksgiving I'll be up-to-date
but alas they are not my cousins and we've
never shared turkey, stuffing or
sweet potato pie.
Still my thoughts stay glued on them.
How do they make it thru each day
living under a microscope? Every flaw
magnified 100x..I'd crack, I really would
I mean everyday to see and hear something
negative being said and written about you over
and over again...and most of it is lies and
exaggerated...I realize
but still its gotta piss you off most times if not all!

I would have to create yet another personality
{I have too many as it is} but for real...I'd be like
Beyonce vs. Sasha...cuz then I'd be like
"they talking about her" her being the stage personality
not me..the real me...Those are Sasha's clothes sewn by momma,
her lace front , her shoes that are fierce...
me? i'm just regular bey bey...my hair is thin
and I have split ends just like errybody else.

to be real.

yeah that helps me sleep better at night.

caller id

2008-01-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

does distance really make the heart grow fonder
or does it makes the heart wander

i wonder if it gives you
too much time to think
or too many moments
that are weak

left to your own
resources
would you be naughty
or nice

act on every impulse??

have you ever done something
when you thought no one was looking??

i'm not talking about dancing nekkid
in the mirror?

sort of like a man leaving his wife
alone to take a cruise and
then she finds her soulmate
and never returns to him
been away too long
forgot what he meant to her

a life long cruise..
wow
who needs that??
do you want that

an escape from your life

is anyone ever 100%

who tells everything??
says everything??

do you really want to
know the whole truth

you can't handle the truth!!!

sometimes too much
is too much
I'd rather not know
like the news
don't wanna know
don't wanna see

rose colored glasses

gimme sum!

i wanna see the positive in everything
want you to see it too
optimistic view
if you don't get a job
maybe God's protecting you

you can't see everything
coming your way
you gotta wait for it
the unknown

let's go lil kitty kat....

2007-12-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

'08!!!!

blogwash

2007-12-24T05:04:00.000-08:00

the new year will mark my anniversary of bloggin
1 year...I was late to bloggin..and it happened by accident
no one in my real life has one really
isn't that odd...so one late night I happened upon
unky then started my own....
met a lot of bloggers in these 12 months

and learned a few lessons

one thang fo sho...no back tracking

i love tiffy...she comes up with the best sayings...

anyways I'm getting off topic
I started writing this time last year cuz I'd just
started dating again after an extremely sad breakup

I started writing about my experiences because
they were all so new to me . I was finding out
for the first time what passion really was
and what love was all about

also discovered how emotionally disconnected
I was which left me questioning
what I really wanted and how could I get it.
I started to analyze everything!

all the hellos and all the goodbyes

this last one was 7 months in the making
but i'm not sad or hurt..

the one before that hurt because he didn't
even try to protect me

but with the protector
we knew it would end up like this
we talked about it over and over again
we knew what we were stepping into
we took the leap anyways
no regrets

for 2008 i'm working on me
before I jump into something
that I start and can't finish
i'm working on my insides
my heart

maybe someone will step to me
I won't have to work so hard
it will just come to me

Top 5 of what I want

1. an easy buttton - got one??

2. how do you put the past behind?

3. how do you move forward?

4. let go of mistakes and heartaches?

5. where do you go from here??

He"artful" ideas....

2007-12-13T04:08:00.000-08:00

the winter blues take control of me the minute it starts to get cold....i get lazy and all i wanna do is sleep in..when I get home from work i want to eat and get in the bed...no tv (cuz its all repeats)...i tend to knit but even that is boring me this season...so i'm looking thru my stacks and stacks of books to read something to keep me awake so I don't go to bed at 830 or 9 cuz I am guilty of that too!!

in my stack I found "Liv.ing Art.fully". One of my craft books by this craft artist named San.dra Mags.amen. its all about creating the life you imagine..I'm hip to that so I start going thru the chapters and it really lifted me out of my winter doldrums..made me want be creative again...and it made me remember that I haven't made my scrapbook calendars for my mother and ex-mother in law: read YIKES!!!

I haven't done a lick of christmas shopping so these artful christmas gifts made me smile.

- create a "coupon book"
this one is my fav...some of my fav themes
"coochie coupons" self explanatory use your imagination
"handy man coupons" if you are a guy you could make coupons for your girlfriend for a "free car wash", "free oil change", "will rotate your tires" (that could fall under coochie coupons LOL!!!
"handmade goodies coupons" - could include coupons for handbaked cookies, cakes, etc.
"maid for a day" - will vacuum, will cook, will run errands
great for moms

- create a "I Remember" book
this could be a book filled with memories of a life live with love...great for husbands and wives, etc..

- create jewelry from beads, etc.
I did this last year for my cousin and she gave them all to her co workers..the nurses loved them

- create a cd with their favorite songs
simple and in expensive and when they play it they will think of you

- create exotic scented candles
they will burn them in the bathroom and think of you

-create a recipe book
you could use all your moms or grandmoms recipes

- create a handwritten letter (more than 2 pages)
this is the simplest and the most heart felt...women LOVE getting handwritten letters. I save all of them and I've had some since college

-plant something for them
as it grows they will think of you

today I'm gonna create something with my hands and feel artful and get some of my christmas gifts out of the way.
My rule is give them something store bought and something handmade
are you an artsy fartsy??..what have you created lately from your bare hands??

tis the season!!!

u feel good?

2007-11-27T05:19:00.001-08:00

define your happiness...

its been so many things to me at different points in my life....

first it was graduating from highschool...86 is in the mix...
then it was dating my college sweetheart...the star quarterback..to my cheerleader
then a career that kept me travelling and moving up the corporate ladder
then it was getting married...raising a family...having a home in a nice neighborhood
then it was another career, business owner and industry expert
thinking i'd finally had the dream...on steady ground..smooth sailing from here on
then I was hit by the biggest devastation in my life...divorce...how will I recover?

not easily but with hope and faith and friends and lots of shoulders to lean and cry on.
I think I'm finding my happiness again. started over from scratch. a lot of wrongs turns and mistakes and second chances
coming out of the dark closet toward the light, seeking happiness in other things, the little things, like a smile from a 3yr old child, once overlooked because I was so busy with work and my OWN STUFF.

when you don't have the big things or you lose all your material possessions you are forced to focus on the small things, the ones that really matter
quite humbling
when you have nothing else you are forced to see the love in the eyes of your family
and appreciate all the non essential things that you've been blessed with

Not always easy for me to find my happiness

woke up thanksgiving morning with a flat tire...almost ruined my day
woke up the next morning and my brakes were nearly non existent...cried
woke up the next day and didn't want to go to work....lazy
had to be reminded that work was what I wanted

I feel good most days but some days I'm still searching, tryign to define
what would truly make me happy
what am I looking for??
I used to think it was ambition..never getting stuck in THIS and NOW
always wanting TOMORROW and MORE

what makes you happy? are you happy everyday??
do you make those around you happy?? or do you bring them down with you??
are you content with where you are now??
how do you pull yourself out of sadness and discontent??

right now I'll turn on my radio and not get stuck.

funky deep....down deep...go Mr. Brown
a funky good time...that would make me happy!

turn on some JAMES BROWN!!!! he'll take u highhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-er!

I've been shown....

2007-11-18T18:03:00.001-08:00

yes i know you
because you make my heart sore
then you make my heart soar
you make me believe I can do it all
because with me you do it all
the highest highs, but not the lowest lows
the biggest grins
from hittin' your freely given skins
sharing the whole of me
and giving it freely
because you desire it
inspire it
add fire to it
send me searching for my breath
rarely finding it

i know you
because
you are
the other side
of me

*******

have a great week coming together!!!
I'll be with my grandmama and em..eating all kinds of good food, playing spades and chillin with all my cousins!
ENJOY!!

can't go there again...

2007-11-13T04:15:00.001-08:00

I wonder
could I stand all the love you could give me
would I ruin it
stain it forever
maybe I can only love and not be loved back
maybe it hurts too much
maybe my wounds are so deep they can't be healed
I wonder if I could even give you what you deserve
in return
can I even love you with all my heart and
stand the happiness that comes with it
what if I can't truly let go of my insecurities
I wonder if my emotions are just too
overwhelming that they should be kept hidden always
maybe I'm better off alone
maybe I don't deserve your kind of love
what if I can't handle it
don't think I can
so I run

goodbye again
for good
because this time
he let go

------

You came along when I needed a savior
Someone to pull me through somehow
I've been torn apart so many times
I've been hurt so many times before
So I'm counting on you now

Somebody already broke my heart
Somebody already broke my heart

i need tagbourne

2007-11-07T04:15:00.000-08:00

missed taking my meds and now i've been tagged...dang it!!!

by ThaL

here's 7 random...weird facts.

1) I give myself random pep talks thruout the day "gee you can do it..get up and get going "gee, its 4am go back to sleep what are you worried about what could go wrong between the hours of 4 and 6am" "Gee..don't eat that...look at your waist"
I'm my very own imaginary friend!

2) we all know about the white rice thing..I love it..eat it twice a day..Protector bought me a rice cooker and I swear I humped the box right in the store!!!!
Don't tell me if its bad for me or it has too many carbs..I don't care...I WANT MY RICE!...shut up TIffy!

3) back in 98 I was a designer for Philips Magnavox...my first product was WEBTV..wow and WTF??? I know...THAT product never caught on ... and I never got promoted! *sigh*

4) my fondest memory as a child was going to my first concert at the Kennedy Center with my moms to see Sister SLedge..."we are family"

5) oh my mom used to dance on Soul Train...HAHAHAHAH!!!

6) i was a military brat, born at Walter Reed Army Medical Center...dad fought in Vietnam and survived physically but not mentally...*sigh*

7) I have to brush my teeth at 7pm everynight if not i'll sit and eat in my bed til 11pm...but if I brush my teeth I won't eat anymore...I know I'm goofy!

I ain't taggin nobody but if you want to participate link back to me and follow the rules!!!! PEACCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The rules of the game are:
A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Training Day...1 done 4 to go

2007-11-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

so I'm back to work already! whew!
I was getting tired of selling myself...

It was fun to dress up in slacks that were BANGING..a pink sweater (ala Janet Jackson - whatever TIFF) and my fav pair of Mary Janes...I looked HAWT..then why they say I could've worn jeans!!!
anyways... training started today for my new job..so i'm doing a drive by post
not real estate school but damn hard..half creative/design, half technical..the technical kicked my ass but I've dusted it off and I'll dress it up again tomorrow..dayum some jeans!!!!
I love to dress up..even when I go to the airport..which has been every 2 weeks this year it seems...and I see folks in sweats and I'm always in heels...Protector always says I overdress but hey that's me!!!

more later....HOLLA!!!!

Slish I got your money..come get it! HAHAHA!!!!!

you'll see...

2007-10-24T08:53:00.001-07:00

"wait til your damn house get outta order..listening to folks...you'll see"

and that my folks is the QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!! LMAO!!

whew!!!

so I'm following orders and getting my shyt together MAN!

my big sitting home, working half time, eating and drinking everything in the fridge and pantry, playing all day with Tiffy just ain't cutting it no mo!!!

I'm back on the block, selling myself to the highest corporate bidder..
*sigh*
been out of the rat race for 8 years now as a business owner with my lil 3000 sq. ft of american pie, selling crafts to wealthy women with nothing on their to do list but track the memories of their lil ones..seems like a dream, was living a fantasy and now that shipped has sailed, run its course...the shop is closed and I need a refill of reality.

my plate is absolutely empty right now, on e...I need something....something...can't put my finger on it..

I coveted my career, the money, the title, my fan base, the accolades, the articles..hard to give that up and become the low man on the totem pole

hopefully it won't take me long, times a wastin.

When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
then she gets plenty more, uhh

same ole dizzy hangup....

2007-10-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

I'm the aggressor and I'm the quitter...gemini
I go after what I want, I get it... then I think of ways to end it or how it will end and sometimes I lay in wake crying about the ending before its even close to ending..even when its right at the beginning I still think of it ending...so my first defense is to give up and not even fight for it anymore, don't want to fight for anything or work hard at it all.

Its like I've become addicted to saying goodbye. Addicted to having something so good then letting it go. I keep my self in this circle of having then pushing away
or getting and then setting it free
do I feel I don't deserve it or its just a sin to have it or is he not worth it or is it just a "meaningless distraction"..
Pro you know what I mean...so why do we bother??

I don't know..the thrill of the chase?? which is so cliche but it is what keeps most of us going
and getting what we want....which ultimately ends in a bad goodbye for me

I can't tell you how many times I've been dropped off at an airport after the most memorable getaway only to have it end in a big fight ... couldn't even say goodbye
walking away from him just cuz it was never meant to be in the first place..it wasn't real in the first place, it needed to end in the first place..another "meaningless distraction"

or how many times someone has left my house that I didn't really want there in the first place...the thrill is getting them there...5 minutes later I'm already bored

this has happened to me sooooooo many times...but I think this time I'm gonna stop doing the going after, the hunter stalking her prey..any prey....not even thinking of the intake and how it will affect my body. this time, the next time i'm just waiting for it to come to me

like they said in scarface

"say goodnight to the bad guy"

Lack of REM

2007-10-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

don't you just love it when you find a new album that puts into words all the thoughts and emotions that you are feeling right at that moment?
what album was/is it for you?

in college for me it was SADE....now its JILLY
ALL I
I've been a goody daddy,but I don’t have to be
If you don’t want me to,I’ll be your nasty baby

No time for games,no rules just play
Hope you been thinking about the same thing

I’m just sayin’what’s on my mind
It’s been good,but now it’s time
To show love what we made of

No time for games,no rules just play
I hope you want me in the same way

Every time I close my eyes
all I dream about is
making love
I can’t even sleep at night
all I dream about is
making love
It’s just all the things I see
when you’re inside of me
that keeps my mind going crazy
I can’t even think at night
all I dream about is
making love

… to you

daddy's gone
the price too high
can't afford it

bypass surgery...

2007-10-04T10:17:00.001-07:00

you know what my prayer was last night...

..heavenly father please give me a patient heart..
see I have NO PATIENCE at all..when I want it I want it ASAP and generally
...heck almost always I go after it or I just get it or I call the right folks
to help me get it or I call the man to just get it for me but I gets it!

the one thing I can't control is my heart..

Its filled with lots of clogged components and sometimes the oxygen barely makes it to my brain causing me to jump in the arms of those that I think will save me, protect me and ultimately rescue me.

I get lightheaded with loneliness and I think "all I need is a skilled surgeon"...he'll fix me so I don't wait, I just check myself in and let his anesthesia do the work putting me in a dreamy state that I hardly remember the important things in life. For the moment the pain is numb and I allow myself to be healed {but not completely}. He patches me up at first then he pulls me down a path that is destructible. Often times I find this out too late and its hard to get out of it which causes chest pains and soon I know I'll need to reroute my emotions and all these uncontrollable impluses before I die. I don't want to die in surgery.

Thats why I need a heart that will wait. One that doesn't mind the slow
ride to succes. One that won't be settling on "what's right in front of me" or "whats available to me now". It has to be patient.

A heart filled with desire and discipline, one that can enjoy and survive
the long journey to. A heart that won't faint from the intensity of something real.

I want a heart that won't get so full, a glutton for punishment
...that won't overdose on the tainted, will take its time to the impossible
and what's meant to be - my destiny.

A heart that won't break because it loves too hard..a heart that will
balance and pace itself, a gradual increase, hanging in there for the long haul
waiting for the right one that can push thru the blockage, detour and
lead me to the finish line.

This procedure takes patience and thats something I don't have.